My grandfather’s broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
It’s a timeless piece, really.
You have $400, your daughter text she needs $200, and your son text he needs $150. How much do you have left?
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages.
A blowjob is not an apology
But go slow; I'm listening.
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
BANG BANG BANG
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong," asks the mother. "Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out," replies the daughter. The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before. About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears. "Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry. Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mother, "I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was having a w*nk and I've shot the dog."
Lately, I’ve been really afraid of elevators.
I've been taking steps to avoid them.
What’s the opposite of sad pie night?
No text found
Tried drawing my girl who passed away, will not try drawing again. Sure do miss her though
https://ift.tt/2BWHv9f
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
If anyone needs a tip on where to store leftover Halloween candy…
I’ve got a few Twix up my sleeve.
Comedian doing crowd work gets an answer he wasn’t ready for and handles it perfectly
https://youtu.be/rV8XhzG_rAg
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
He said, “No, it kills them.”
How are one handed people so independent?
Because they do everything single-handedly.
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
When feeding me my mother would say “here comes the choo choo train…..”
and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track
My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I said Yes.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
My friends always make fun of me for having an imaginary girlfriend.
Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.
My doctor thinks my diarrhea might be hereditary.
It runs in my jeans.
In Germany, A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, “That’s not it” and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
My book on clocks finally arrived.
It's about Time!
Why do potatoes make great crime fighters?
Because they always keep their eyes peeled.
When the dev team has to find a critical PROD bug without repro steps from tester
https://ift.tt/2UNKGsJ
Went shopping for cherries and a microphone the other day.
Bought a bing. Bought a boom.
I, for one…
…well, that's how I was taught Roman numerals in school.
My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks straight from the bottle.
Its getting too hot to wear a suit
The weather just isn't suitable
What do you call an academic trucker?
A roads scholar.
I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.
I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.
They say today is Pi Day
but for me it will always be cake day!
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?" The man replies, " like a glove."
Two young boys think it’s about time to start swearing.
All of their friends swear, but it's just never been their thing. But tomorrow is the day! They decide to have a sleepover so they can start swearing together. The morning comes and both boys wake up excitedly and head downstairs to breakfast. The mother asked her son "what would you like for breakfast?" Her son replies "I'll take some fruit loops bitch." The mother immediately smacks the kid upside the head and sends him back to his room. She turns to the boys friend and says "I'm so sorry you had to see that, what would you like for breakfast?" The boy looks a little scared a replies "I don't know, but definitely not fucking fruit loops."
Driving behind a hearse, my wife asked “How fast do you think a hearse can go?”
Me: I don’t think very fast at all Wife: Why not?! Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back… Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!
My daughter keeps pestering me to check her hair for lice
I think it’s just all in her head (I can’t believe it took me this long to find this subreddit, I love it! BTW first attempt at a dad joke!)
“Dad, what do ballerinas wear?”
Dad: You can figure it out. Just put tu and tu together.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
