My grandfathers last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
What do you call a headless duck?
A duck that didnt duck
Just got to get this off my chest…. I’m getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.
If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.
If I had to get rid of one part of my body, I’d get rid of my spine.
Sometimes I feel like it's holding me back.
What’s the difference between being hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber.
Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture…..
But when I got home, the tables were turned
A bear walks into a bar…
The bear says: “I’d like a whiskey and……………………….coke please. Bartender says: “Why the big pause?” Bear replies: “I was born with them.” Edit: Thanks for the upvotes! I actually lived this joke right before posting while making dinner for my kids (changed the drink and location). Here’s how it happened: 2yo Child, While holding her bear: Um, daddy?Can I have…………………………..milk pwease? Me: Sure sweetie, but why the big pause?! Only I laughed…my ass off. Guess I’ll just, grin and bear all the repost comments.
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
Is this sub still active?
There haven't been any posts all year! australia squad
Did you hear about the new pen that can write underwater?
It can write other words too.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn’t last long for fat people.
Is it okay to peek into your neighbor’s house if you are still technically in your own property?
Personally I’m on the fence.
I fucking hate recursion
I fucking hate recursion, its the dumbest fucking solution to the easiest problems in coding. Like what the fuck? Have you every heard of big O notation? Of course you fucking haven’t, you bumbling cretin. I would explain it if your brain didn’t recurse on itself. How am I supposed to understand fucking “Henry McGyvers” code over here where you can’t tell where it even produces any values at the fucking root of things. Why would a function call itself, you fucking idiot? Why would you ever think that? Why not use a while loop? Or a for loop? Or literally anything that’s better than a program sucking itself off until it cums with the answer that you might want, I guess. Jesus fucking christ.
A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building and gets stopped by security.
The security guard tells the guy there are no firearms allowed.
Just been in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask
I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."
You know the thing about holy water
I don't see the use of water with holes
I thought my Haitian friend was finally going to show me zombies…
but it was actually just 'some bees'
My statistics professor told us that the larger the sample size, the more reliable are your averages.
The N’s justify the means.
What do you call a cheap circumsision?
A rip off.
Are you pissed?
Wife: Not necessarily. Me: Ok. So you are pissed but, unnecessarily?
A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try …
Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell ring. She opens up the door, and a man with no arms and no legs showed. He says, "Hi, I saw your ad. I was hoping I could be your new boyfriend." The woman was confused. "What makes you think you're gonna be better than my last 3?" She inquired. "Well," he began. "I have no arms, so I won't abuse you. I have no legs, so I won't abandon or run away from you." "But how are you in bed?" She asked. And his response was, "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
My girlfriend is like the coronavirus
I don't have the coronavirus
My wife told me, “ Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
Did you know 2×10 is same as 2×11 ?
One is twenty and other is twenty too.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
he was very self absorbed.
Well… Well… Well…
If it isn't 3 holes in the ground…
I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks
For keeping me off the streets
I went to the eye doctor.
Eye doctor: Your results aren't good. Me: Can I see them? Eye doctor: Probably not.