My grandma doesn’t understand what black lives matter is
What did the police officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
My priest is a lawyer.
He's my father in law
A person was accused of burying someone in cement
but there was no concrete evidence.
Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House…
Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt. The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it. Trump is a bit annoyed, but tells the driver, "Just go to their house, tell them you're my driver, and apologize." A while later, the man returns, seeming incredibly satisfied. Trump asks how the family reacted, but the driver said they seemed in good spirits and even gave him some of their dinner. Back on the road, the driver hits another pig that wandered onto the road. He goes and tells the farmer's family, but when he comes back, he says the family was overjoyed and gave him a bottle of liquor. The driver hits a third pig that was on the road, but this time, Trump secretly follows him to see why the people would be so happy. When the farmer comes to the door, the driver announces, "I'm President Trump’s driver, the pig is dead!"
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
How do astronauts say sorry?
They apollo-gise
So I got a virus on my computer
And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared. Must have ransomware.
You know you’re a spoilt child.
When you get an early Christmas present in January.
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
So long boiling water, you will be mist
No text found
My sword doesn’t weigh much
It’s my light saber
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
"No idea, they just ransomware."
Why didn’t 4 ask out 5
Because he was 2².
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
It’s all about raisin awareness
How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
it's not hard.
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G
What do women and grenades have in common?
Take the ring off and the house is gone
*Hits Blunt*
Blunt: Hey what the fuck man
What do you call a German virus?
A germ.
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “Jesus, lady,” says the cop. “What are you so afraid of?” The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a fucking thing.”
Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said: “Burrr… gurrr… King.”
Why wouldn’t the oyster give up her pearl?
She was shellfish.
I named my eraser Confidence.
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make.
What do you call the bad part of Italy?
The spaghetto.
Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.
The other letters were not-E.
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.
The three men had always done everything together!!!!! Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.” The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body. Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.” The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two assholes.” “What? He had two assholes?” asked the mortician. Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!”
Guys I tried to think of a social distancing joke
but this is as close as I could get
How do you make holy water?
Boil the heck out of it.
Why is soy sauce forbidden in fights?
Cause you should never Kikkoman when he’s down.
“Forget everything you learned in College”
"Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here." "That works out because I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here"
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with “I”
Bobby: I is… Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is". Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.
Shovels are amazing.
They were truly a ground breaking invention.
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
My friend told me, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”
“Are you mad at her?” I asked. He responded, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They’re efficient and not very funny.
Two men are sitting on a park bench
And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking his balls. The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that." The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."
They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket
They lied, everyone else has clothes on
Me at age 10: “I wish I was a dog. They’re always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!”
Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."
A Japanese tourist went into an American bank to exchange some Yen for Dollars..
He handed the teller 10,000 Yen and the teller returned him $90. Confused, the Japanese man said "last month I exchanged 10,000 yen and received $100. Why today only $90?" The teller replied "Fluctuations" "Oh yeah? Fluck you Yankees too!" retorted the Japanese man