My grandma doesn’t understand what black lives matter is
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
My son told me he had a hole in his shoe today
I said yes son, that's where you put your foot in
What did the preacher say at the vegetable mass?
“Lettuce pray for peas on Earth.” Then “Why do I bother with puns, everyone here’s brain dead.”
Bad knock-knock joke #2
Knock, knock. Who's there? Control freak. Control fr- Okay, now you say "Control freak who?"
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
It was the end of my Korea. I'm still China find another job.
Why do polar bears only live at the north pole?
Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.
That’s a nice ham you’ve got there…
It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end…
After letting out a trumpet of a fart my toddler stopped, gasped and said, “did you just hear that elephant?”
She's going too be a great dad someday.
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage
I lost my case
What’s a cop’s favorite type of sweater?
A pullover.
I said to my psychiatrist, “My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.” He replied, “I don’t think you’re crazy. I like sausages too.”
"Really?!" I shouted. "You should come over to my house and see my collection!"
A lion will not cheat on his wife,
But a Tiger Wood!
We Germans might not be humorous but we will still make fun of that joke of a president
https://ift.tt/2o1O7Qg
Elevators terrify me
I'm taking steps to avoid them
The first day of school, I signed up for English, Math, Science, and Geography.
The rest, as they say, is History.
What do you call a small mother?
A minimum.
Two Dragons walk into a bar
Dragon 1: It’s a bit hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
I hate the stigma around mental health
Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.
My boss stormed over and yelled, “What the heck are you doing? Put some backbone into it!”
I hate working at the McDonald's factory…
How do you know if an ant is a male or a female?
They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles
Why do the riot police always arrive early to protests?
Because they like to beat the crowd.
Why do hobbit holes only have one entrance?
One does not simply walk into more doors.
![[VIDEO] [PARODY] When you Push Directly to Master](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/no_image_card-106-400x247.png)
What cereal is addicted to working out?
Shredded wheat.
Found this one in the local paper and translated it
So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up? Santa because the first two don't exist.
Why is 77 better than 69?
You get 8 more!
My very first dad joke as an actual dad.
On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.
“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims. “Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says. “Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”“Oh, that’s nothing” The 90 year old says. “I have it the worst!”“Can you pee?” The first man asks.“Certainly! Every morning at 7, I pee like a champion.”“Can you poop?” The second man asks.“Yes I can! Each morning at 8, I have a regular bowel movement.”“Then I don’t understand what the problem is!” The first man says.“Well, I wake up at 9!”
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
“Wow!” I say. “It’s climate change!”
To the individual who stole my glasses…
I will find you. I have contacts.
You can’t change the weather in the tree
But you can climate
I tried to talk to my antivaxx best friend
Unfortunately the ouija board wasn't working
I’ve tried to use the word “mucho” when speaking with my Hispanic friends.
It really means a lot to them.
My grandfathers last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it’s the scenter
What is the best part about living in Switzerland?
I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.