My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks straight from the bottle.
There’s way too much sax and violins
They didn’t spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Cop approaches the drivers door. "Is there a problem, Officer?" Cop says, "Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?" The woman responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." "You don't have one?" and she responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving." Cop is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I'm sorry, I can't do that." cop asks, "Why not?" "I stole this car." Cop says, "Stole it?" And she says, "Yes, and I killed the owner." At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?" "he is in the trunk if you want to see." Cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun. The senior officer says, "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The blonde steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?" "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." "Murdered the owner?" She asks. The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?" Woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but spare tire and tools. The officer says, "Is this your car Ma'am?" and she answers, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence." Then woman digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, Ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner." Woman then replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you this was a repost, too!"
My wife and I are finally visiting San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What would you do when we see it? Me: Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.
Now I’ve just got beer…
You can say… I solved the case.
" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. " (Leviticus 20: 13)
Until I drove pasta
Judge: “First offender?” Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
No text found
On one hand it feels great, on the other hand, not so much
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
Went to see The Joker last night and some guy dressed in a full clown outfit held the door open for me into the theater
I thought it was a nice jester
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
Sorry, we don’t do that round hair.
A spelling bee.
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b- me: Himbert
That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
He refused, because the steaks were too high.
To see a chicken strip.
They got stuck at C
It’s not hard.
If i can’t get sex, I bi it
He already has a million degrees
One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from. "Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros." "Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet." "That's a truly awful behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church." The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest. After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!
Cut off its nose.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
jim from IT support made by cat pregnant last timehe said he was fixing the usb port
Because they’re always up to something
My preferred pronouns are He/Hee
they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on. After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go. The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks at them. Looks back at the lab results and then back at them again. And then he says: "Gentlemen, you cannot be serious."
Visiting my son and his wife, who just had their first baby. At lunch, my wife said “I’m warm.” Son piped up and said “I can finally say this – Hi Warm, I’m Dad.” Proud moment.
I disagree. I clearly have a father figure