My grandma isn’t a fan of her new stairlift.
She says it drives her up the wall.
How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?
Just ask them to read this word: unionized.
How does music say goodbye
Audios
Why don’t cows jump over electric fences?
It would be an udder disaster
If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.
Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.
I reported a bug for a game that came out yesterday, the cause had me laughing so hard
https://ift.tt/2LJIXR8
I was driving this girl to her house and told her that I wasn’t good with directions, she laugh at me…
So I just right her left there.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can't carry it by myself
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work………
To be Frank
I’d have to change my name
The recently put forward a referendum to allow public flatulance
The motion was passed.
The woman next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like she's never seen a penis before.
My struggle with steroid addiction…
…has only made me stronger.
What do young male Spanish cows call each other?
Moo-chachos.
Accordion to a recent study, 90% of people didn’t realize
I put an instrument at the start of this sentence.
Perhaps this is the reason Moscow Mitch can’t agree on impeachment trial terms with Trump
https://ift.tt/35yTXJc
I have a pen that can write underwater.
It can write other words too.
I know alot of jokes about unemployed people.
but none of them work.
The other day I yelled into a colander.
I strained my voice.
A father decides to buy a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test the robot at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. The boy said "I did my homework." The robot slaps him. "Okay, okay! I watched a movie at my friend's house" said the boy. "What movie did you watch?" asked the father. The boy said "Toy Story." The Robot slapped him. "Okay, okay! We watched porn!" said the boy. "What?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was!" said the father. The robot slapped him. The mother laughed "Well, he certainly is your son!" The robot slapped her.
I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died
In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"
I told my wife we could still have a threesome during this Coronavirus pandemic.
There would be six feet between us.
What’s the difference between a black dad and a boomerang?
One is an inanimate object you fucking racist.
As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office
I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.
People are so sad I’m not entering the bake off this year.
Even their cakes are in tiers.
Communist jokes can be funny
But only if everyone gets them
I just read that alligators can grow up to 15 feet..
I haven’t seen any with more than 4.
What kind of flour do you buy an orphan
Self raising flour
My wife said, “You act like a detective too much, I want to split up.”
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"