My grandma just shared this on Facebook, lord help me
Me: “75 Watts.. 60 Watts.. 100 Watts” Daughter: “what are you doing, dad??”
Me: "oh, just a bit of light reading"
Which President is the least guilty?
Lincoln. He’s in a cent
What does a turtle do on their birthday?
They shellabrate
Wife: I have to tell you something, I am pregnant.
Husband- Hi Pregnant, I am Dad. Wife- No you're not.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
What did the officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, “Master, why does my ability not improve? I’m always defeated.” And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…
"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this stuff instead of training!"
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists.
Mine is just a little pail in comparison.
I went to a gender reveal party.
It wasn't quite what I thought it would be. My host told me to put my pants back on and get the hell out of there.
I was asked at an interview what my weakness is
I replied "I'm too honest" The interviewer said "I don't consider honesty a weakness" I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"
Me: Sweet dog you got there
Policeman: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog. Me: Still in training, huh? Policeman: What do you mean? Me: Nevermind
When I was a kid, I thought I had a Chinese friend
but turn out, it was nothing more than just my imagine asian.
I can cut down a tree just by looking at it.
It’s true! I saw it with my own eyes.
Last St. Patrick’s Day I went out drinking, had a bit too much so I took a bus home.
That may be no big deal to you, but I'd never driven a bus before.
Proud of my six year old
My four year old fell down and hit her butt on something and started crying. My six year old calls her over so she can “take a look.” She says “Well I think you broke your butt. There’s a crack down the middle.”
If a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.
Her: Did you and your buddies experiment with sex and drugs when you were in school?
Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.
Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven
When an old man approaches. "Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter. "To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son… his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day." Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?" The man looks back; "… Pinocchio?"
Why do Native Americans hate April?
Because April showers bring May Flowers, and Mayflowers bring white people.
I suspected my girlfriend was a ghost right from the beginning
Starting with the moment she walked through those doors.
Why isn’t “Dark” spelled like “Darc” instead?
Because You can't c in the dark
My child keeps saying small groups of words together
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a scandal.
Elongate would really stretch on.
Your Duck is Dead !!
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.
Life before that was a blur.
My dad has a heart of a lion
and a lifetime ban from the zoo
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
but none of them work.
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” “No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”
Simon says
that he is getting his instructions from Chuck Norris. Happy, B-Day
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir, We have terminated your internet service due to illegal copyright violation practices. Sincerely, Your ISP
