My grandma sent this to me through email since we can’t have easter…

I bought some bird seed today
I wonder what kind of birds they will grow into.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
As much as you might move around an envelope
It'll always be stationery.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge…
"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work…. The ass hole is usually in charge
Did you know that French Fries donβt originate from France?
They were originally made in Greece
I finally figured out whatβs wrong with my brain.
On the left side, there is nothing right. On the right side, there is nothing left.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Two friends are having a chat in a bar.
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten? Kristen: sure. Christen: Thank you. Kris: Anytime.
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it – Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
Iβve been having to use lettuce as TP since the Covid craziness
The worst part is the news says this is just the tip of the iceberg and what I need to use as TP tomorrow romaines to be seen. Stay safe kids, Dad
A tourist visits an Indian reservation…
…where he finds an old chief who claims that he remembers everything that has ever happened in his life. The tourist is curious and asks the chief "What did you have for breakfast on your 5th birthday?" Without hesitation the chief replies "eggs". Impressed, he continues his vacation and returns home. Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again. He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with "how". The old chief simply replies "scrambled".
Nurse: I’m going to deliver the baby
Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver
Why was the locomotive always hungry?
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing itβs food.
Did you hear the meh French woodworking tourism slogan?
Come see, come saw
An r/jokes subredditor walks into a bar and the bartender immediately makes him an exotic cocktail. “How’d you know that’s what I wanted?”
"You come here every fucking day and it's always the same fucking thing."
The waitress came over and saw my leftovers and asked, “do ya wanna box for that?”
I responded with, "no, but we can arm wrestle any day."
I said to my Jamaican date…”Leafy…Stalky…Branchy…”
"What?" she asked, confused. I said, "You asked me to describe myself in tree words."
Your Duck is Dead !!
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, βWait! Iβm a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, βAnd you will dialogue!"
What do the twin towers and gender have in common?
There used to be 2 of them and now itβs a touchy subject
My dad died after no one could remember his blood type for a transfusion
As he was dying he kept telling us "be positive, be positive!" But it's gonna be really hard without him.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What did the Reddit user say after detonating a bomb in a bank?
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
What do you call a rodent with a machine gun?
A ratatatatat
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves you and never comes back.
An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar…
…and stumbles to the bartender. βBarkeep, Oiβll have a pointβ, he slurs. The bartender looks him over critically. βA pint? Sorry sir, but I canβt serve you. Youβre clearly too drunk.β The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front door. 5 minutes later, the Irish Man stumbles in again, this time through the side door. βBarkeep! βOw are ye dis foine eveninβ? Oiβll have a point, if ye willβ, he says to the bartender with a smile. βNone of that charm will do you any good, sir. Off you go now. Come back when youβre more sober.β βBah! Foine, foineβ, the Irish Man replies, turning around and knocking over a stool before stumbling out the side door. Another five minutes pass, and the Irish Man once again saunters in, this time through the back door. βBarkeep! Oiβll have a drink, and make er a double!β Having lost his patience, the bartender finally yells βSir! I will not be serving you any alcohol, and if I see you again tonight, Iβll never serve you another drink!β The Irish man wobbles slightly before squinting his eyes in confusion. βAlright, Alright, Oiβll be on me way. But before Oi go, Oiβve one question for yaβ, he says, leaning in, βHow many fookinβ bars do ye work at anyway?β
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
A book fell on my head yesterday
I guess I only have my shelf to blame
My wife caught me cross dressing and told me it was over.
So I packed all her clothes and left.
People in Germany were hoarding sausage and cheese due to the pandemic,
It was the wurst kΓ€se scenario.
Dr. Watson was again impressed by Sherlock Holmesβ diverse set of skills as Watson asked inquisitively as to what tree Sherlock was planting, to which Sherlock replied…
βWhy, thatβs a lemon tree, my dear Watson.β
Why did the Mexican take some Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
I handed my 4 year old a bottle of cold water and said, “Hold this.”
She responded, "Don't you mean cold this?" My kid just dad joked me and I've never been prouder of her.
A man walks into a suit shop…
[M] And asks to try on some of the suits. The salesman obliges and gives him some options. The customer, however, hates all the options and after an hour of trying them on, throws the suits down in disgust. βThese are all terrible!β The customer cries. Exasperated, the salesman throws his hands in the air and says, βFine, suit yourself!β
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
Itβs his altar ego.
Just called the tinnitus hotline
It didnβt stop ringing