My grandma strikes again (young people in 90′. Young people in 2020
What do you call a person who lives in Sweden but isn’t from there?
An artificial swedener (((Or "Swede-ish" as another user suggested)))
-Doctor, ive tried everything to find love but it just wont work, what else can i do?
-Have you tried shaving your mustache? -No -Well you should, Karen.
What do you call egg salad that’s just okay?
Ehh-gg salad.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
My teachers said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia..
But so far I’ve made two bowls and a vase.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But none of them seem to work
What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?
Partial arts
An escaped prisoner was caught camping out in the woods ….
…. it was a clear case of criminal in tent.
A country boy gets accepted into Harvard.
He can’t find the library, so he finds another student on campus. “Excuse me, do you know where the library is at?” The student looks at the country boy disapprovingly and says, “My good sir, here at Harvard we don’t end our sentences with prepositions.” The country boy replies, “My apologies. Do you know where the library is at, asshole?”
I’m glad you like my tiny candles!
I really needed that votive confidence.
How come no one at the kings table laughed when he farted?
Because noble gases don't cause reaction
Looks like October is…. Octover
No text found
Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There'd be mass confusion.
Son: “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
There’s always one
I was at the bar last night when the waitress yelled out, “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled out, “Hell, I know the whole alphabet!” Everybody laughed. Well, except for this one guy.
I’m a pro at shoplifting candy bars. How, you ask?
I got a few Twix up my sleeve.
I taught my daughter what bargain meant.
She said: "Thanks dad, that means a great deal."
What is a gay banker’s favorite Christmas movie?
Homo Loan 2
What part of your body is the last to die?
Your eyes, cause they dilate
I called the doctor and screamed, “Quick! My pregnant wife’s going into labor, what should I do?” He said, “Calm down, is this her first child?”
I shrieked, “No! This is her husband!"
If my name was Travis, I would get a tee shirt and put my name across the chest.
It would be a travesty.
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left? Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun. Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think. Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married? Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.” Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
A judge asks a defendant to stand…
"You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out of the audience a man shouts "You lying maggot!" "Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "You Goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a…" the man starts to shout when the judge thunders back "If you don't tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold you in contempt!" "I've lived next to that lying maggot for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a damn tool when I needed to borrow one!" I found this and knew I had to post
What’s the difference between communism and a pencil?
The pencil works on things other than paper.
How do locomotives hear?
Through the engineers.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
I wanted to dress up as a DDOS attack, but I couldn’t get enough friends to do it
https://ift.tt/2BjZZ38
I was in a very busy Whole Foods and saw this beautiful young woman shopping.
I asked her, "I can't seem to find my wife, can I talk to you?" "Sure, but how can that help?" "Once she sees me talking to you, I'll bet you anything she'll appear out of fucking nowhere."
Did you know that French Fries don’t originate from France?
They were originally made in Greece
Whenever I’m in trouble, I think, “What would Jesus do” ?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
So my brother’s girlfriend was recently diagnosed with cancer, and when she told him, he proposed to her on the spot!
So see ladies, we guys can be spontaneous and romantic. We just don't like long term commitments.
[NSFW] What’s the difference between this morning and my bosses daughter?
I'm not coming in this morning.
When I hailed a taxi, the driver started insulting me.
"What was that for?" I asked, shocked. To which he replied, "Hey, that's what I do best. I drive people away."
A blind man went to a restaurant.
menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!
A four-foot-tall fourtuneteller escaped from prison.
He was a small medium at large.
Do not accept a FB friend request from Hormel Foods…
It could be Spam.
Why do less marriages take place in winter
Because most of the brides get cold feet.