My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.
Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
First thing men look into a women is her heart
That her breasts are in the way is not our fault.
Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.
"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer. "Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great." "Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars." "Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny said. "By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer. "Applied psychology." – Edit: This is not my joke
Why are gay people always laughing
Because they can't keep a straight face
My boss fired me for making jokes about Asians again
It was the end of my Korea
I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare.
But he chewed it a lot. Now I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
Why does keeping a fish aquarium calm the brain?
All the indoor fins.
What do you call a crocodile that is a detective?
An investi-gator
I tried looking up synonyms of confusion.
But I came away with uncertainty and disorientation.
Wife: “Honey, I’m Pregnant.”
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad" Wife: "No you're not…."
Xbox was struggling…
but they really turned it around with the 360.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party
That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin, not me.
I don’t trust elevators anymore.
They are always either up to something or letting you down.
Sting has disappeared, The Police have no lead
No text found
My son tried to change the time..
But not on my watch
Sex with ghosts
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Hamid raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
I just got accepted into the most popular anger management group.
It’s all the rage.
An old man walks into a chemist and starts examining packs of viagra…
Nurse: Do you need any help there, sir? Old Man: Yes, every Saturday my wife wants to have sex, but unfortunately, I can never get an erection. Which brand of viagra would you recommend? Nurse: Well sir, everyone is different, but if you come with me to the counter, I can get you a pack that is proving very popular with our customers. The old man follows the nurse to the counter, she turns around, bends over and picks up the viagra from the bottom shelf, as she turns back around, the old man is already walking away Old Man: Thank you very much, I'll see you again next Saturday.
A stormy night.
A loud knocking on the door wakes a man and his wife in the middle of a stormy night. The man opens the door to a stranger, who asks him for a push. "No way!" says the husband, slamming the door shut in the stranger's face. "Who was that?" calls his wife. "Just some drunk asking for a push", he answers, "it's 3 am and pouring heavily out there!" " You should be ashamed", his wife replies, "don't you remember that time when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? You should go and help him." Sighing, the man pulls on his coat and heads out into the pouring rain. "Hello? " He calls out in the dark. "Do you still need a push?" "Yes, please", comes the reply. "Where are you?" the husband calls out. "Over here", the drunk replies, "On the swing".
My buddy recently cloned himself and had sex with his clone.
Many people were disgusted, but it's none of my business so I told him: "You do you."
There is a vibe for this guy. Best salesman of the year.
There is a vibe for this guy. Best salesman of the year.
When do you know a joke is a dad joke?
When the punchline is a parent
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
My son is a male trapped in a female’s body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.
For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.
How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
it's not hard.
Shoutout to my Grandpa!
Because that's the only way he can hear.
Know why the shoe was drunk?
Too much socky.
What does the marxman put in his gun?
Communition!
My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in. One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch!
I know a lot of you are sad because it’s a Monday.
But don’t forget, only 48 hours ago, it was a sadder day.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph. He’s not quite a full essay
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don't.
My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!” “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.” “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”
Does this creepy lighter that I found in an antique shop today count as Boomer Humor?
https://ift.tt/37jjVAQ