My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.
He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe
I asked my mom “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. That probably explains why her marriage failed.
My brother went to his AA meeting drunk, then he tripped down the stairs.
He's been having lots of trouble with the steps lately.
Comic Sans walks into a bar
The bartender says "Get out – We don't serve your type".
What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I don’t care if she has one.
I hate guys who are too overconfident..
I really do. Edit: Thanks for the silver! Edit: Thanks for the gold! Edit: Thanks for the platinum! Edit: Thanks for 4k up votes!
Me: Hi! Do you take walk-ins?
Cremator: What
My wife was really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my bags and right.
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, “I’m off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park.”
I got lead poisoning from a Dr. Pepper knock-off
I guess I shouldn’t drink Mr. Pb again
So what if I don’t know what “apocalypse” means.
It's not like it's the end of the world
My friend tried to convince me “whey” is spelled “whfey”
There's no f in whey
Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?” Doctor: “Every two hours.”
When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa…
The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad
The other day I yelled into a colander.
I strained my voice.
A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on ‘Take your kid to work day’
As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
Do you know why people are buying up all the toilet paper?
Because people are losing their shit.
As a child i was molested by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me.
Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, said during class, “Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”
Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly, Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very red-faced. Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Dr. Parker. "And now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
Balls have got to be one of the oldest toys.
They’ve been ‘round a long time.
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
What do you call a pen that isn’t moving?
Stationary.
What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted