My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating an avocado
Me: who’s this guy?
Grandpa: he’s my hip replacement
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”
My grandpa used to tell this one all the time….How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
What do you call an alien with three balls?
An extrateressticle
I was watching rc plane crashes the other day
They’re better than regular plane crashes, because there’s no loss of life. If you’re flying an rc plane, you never had a life to begin with.
I have bought my wife a fridge for christmas.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.
It reminds me why there’s no money in there.
Most people think that the word “Queue” is just the letter “Q” followed by four silent letters. But they are not silent.
They are just waiting their turn.
Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer
Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?
But most just have 4.
When you realize Trump got himself impeached by digging up dirt on the wrong guy.
https://ift.tt/2GhxbL1
What does an island and the letter T have in common
They both are in the middle of water
My wife left me because she thinks I’m too insecure…
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
Welfare Check:
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know…., I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well … You started it."
Went to donate blood today…awful experience, never again….
Question after question…"who's blood is it?"….."where did you get it?"….."why is it in a bucket?
“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
Waitress: slaps me right across the face "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
I debated a flat earthier once
He got so mad that he stormed off saying that he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong. He’ll come around eventually
How does Winnie the Pooh eat his honey?
With his bear hands
My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex
I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.
My five year old: Dad, do trees poop?
Me: Of course. That’s how we get Number 2 pencils.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints.
To the guy who stole my antidepressants…
I hope you're happy now
A Viking named Rudolph the Red looks outside, then tells his wife “It’s going to rain”…
Wife asks "Why do you think that?" He replies "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear…" (Not mine, my dad found it somewhere and was very proud of making the family groan…)
How To Convince Your Wife You Haven’t Been Drinking
A man is drinking at a bar. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He turns to the bartender and goes, "I'm in trouble now. If my wife discovers I've been drinking again, she'll kill me." The bartender says, "Don't worry, here's what you do. You take a ten dollar bill, and put it in your shirt pocket. Then you go to your wife and say some other guy got so drunk he puked on you, but he felt sorry about it and gave you ten dollars to have your shirt cleaned." So the drunken guy agrees to give it a try. He goes back to his wife and tells her that a drunk guy puked on his shirt then gave him ten dollars to have it cleaned. The wife looks and says, "He gave you twenty dollars." The guy replies, "Oh I forgot. He also shit in my pants."
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. “I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!” The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. “No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.” The dentist then returns and says, “Here is a Viagra tablet.” The patient says, “Wow – I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain pill.!” “It doesn’t,” said the dentist and continued: “But it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.”
Smoking will kill you. And Bacon will kill you. But…
Smoking Bacon will Cure it.
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
It’s parents were in a jam.
Bows are really good weapons
Their only drawback is the string.
Today I launched a book aimed at 9-12 year olds.
I proud to say I managed to hit one of the little shits!
How would you spot a blind man at a nude beach?
It's not hard
