My grandpa sends me this stuff all the time
A sailor and a priest are out golfing.
The sailor takes his first swing and slices it hard to the left of the green. "FUCK! I missed!" exclaimed the sailor. "My son! Please refrain from using that type of language, The Lord can hear you!" gasps the priest. The sailor apologizes and they proceed with their game. The sailor now attempts to chip his ball out of the brush. He gets off a good shot, but it rolls back into a sand trap. "Fuck, I missed!" he says again. "My son! Please, refrain from such sinful language! You will anger the Lord!" the priest pleads. The sailor apologizes and they continue their game. The sailor takes a whack at his ball from the sandtrap. He has a great shot, landing the ball right on the green. Still it's not good enough for him, so yet again he mutters "fuck, I missed!" The priest bursts out, yelling "my son! The Lord will strike you down should you continue in your sinful ways! You will be punished for your sins!" The sailor apologizes profusely and lines up his putt. The putt heads straight for the hole… and then runs around the rim and stays out. "FUCK! I MISSED!" the sailor exclaims, louder than before. Out of nowhere, a lightning bolt shoots from the sky. It streaks down from the clouds and hits the priest, instantly killing him. A deep, booming voice from the heavens speaks… "FUCK! I MISSED!
Is my Thai girlfriend really a guy?
Something inside me says yes.
Green is my favourite colour. I love it even more than
Blue and Yellow combined
Just used some stolen hair dye…
Guess you could say I’m now… Illegally Blonde
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday…
I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
![[OC] riddled with bugs](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/sjs3htmk7ob41-400x446.jpg)
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said “It’s going to rain”. His wife asked “how do you know?”
"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
I can’t stand when my wife
tells me to sit
So I’m in my garage and my wife walks in.
She yells STAMPEDE!!! And threw a handful of animal crackers at me. I'm giggling like a schoolgirl.
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games
What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
I really need to cut my fingernails,
they’re getting out of hand..
What do gay horses eat?
Horse dick.
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on all of their ships?
So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian
![Eight missed calls from [chain restaurant]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/7J01bKc-400x439.jpg)
There’s a new razor designed for dyslexics…
It's the best thing since sliced beard…
I believe if we had a race around the world, it should end in Europe…
Toward the Finnish line
Why is deadpools house always cold?
Because he keeps breaking the fourth wall
I signed up for my company’s 401k,
but I don't think I can run that far.
Have you heard about corduroy pillows?!?
They are making headlines!!!
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more bean would be too farty.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
My wife got mad just because I hoovered up her contact lenses
Well, I guess she was wearing them at the time.
I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
Do you know why programers prefer dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
A cemetery is a terrible setting for a convincing horror story.
Too many plot holes.
I once saw two octopuses that looked the exact same.
They must have been itentacle twins.
I’m trying to write an unoffical Harry Potter book about Platform 9 and 3/4
But I feel like I'm hitting a wall
She couldn’t stay away from her granddaughter anymore. This was her solution.
https://ift.tt/2XXVpnO
What do short people in Minnesota like to drink?
A Mini-soda
A vegan once said to me, people who sell meat to eat are disgusting….
I replied, people who sell fruit and vegetables to eat are grocer
A blind man went to a restaurant.
"Menu sir?" asked the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables." Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, "do me a favour and rub this fork over your private parts" which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, "oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!"
I found a pen that writes underwater!
It writes other words too.
