My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.
When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
For Halloween I’ve got a job making plastic Draculas
There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so …….
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up … you're next!"
A tattooed guy, a hot blonde and a pale looking guys have a chat
The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!" The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!" Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during your jobs as I do." After a short, irritated silence the blonde finally dares to ask: "So, what do you do?" "I'm a mortician."
Where do horses go when they get sick?
The horse-pital. No I’m kidding they get shot
Is it okay to peek into your neighbor’s house if you are still technically in your own property?
Personally I’m on the fence.
I saw a bird with a really big beak holding a chessboard
I said toucan play that game.
My wife said she wants me to stop listening to Wonderwall…
I SAID MAYBEEEE!!
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
I once saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg
I asked him: "I bet i could guess your favourite holiday" He Replied: "Have to love Easter, baby."
My friend is obsessed with taking blurry pictures of himself while taking a shower.
He has serious selfie steam issues.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed…..
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room…. "Why are you down here at this time of night!?" The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met." She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses……. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?" "I remember that, too" she replied softly… He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
What do you call smart person in America?
A tourist.
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down
A man is washing his car with his son.
His son looks at him and says, “Dad…Why can’t you use a sponge?”
A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend
At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "…I'm sorry" The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"
I tried juggling some candy bars but kept dropping them.
I have Butterfingers.
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck
Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands…
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
How do billboards talk?
Sign language
I finally realized that my wife left me because of my obsession with reducing fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing.
I just felt the need to spice up my autobiography.
Today i taught my son a lesson by eating his homework.
Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.
The fact that this happened at a private school is crazyy
The fact that this happened at a private school is crazyy
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said “yes, the others were at least eights or nines”
My teacher never farts in public.
She’s a private tutor.
Your duck is dead…
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."
Gonna sell custom made coffins
Slogan: Guaranteed to last a lifetime
Angry man comes to local bar with gun yelling:
-Which one of you fucked my wife??!! Some guy in the crowd says: – you should bring more bullets
My girlfriend broke up with me.
So i stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back
My friend, who is a Jehovah’s Witness, is really mad at me.
He told me a Knock Knock joke, and I refused to answer.
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard…
He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume party." the man answers. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln!" protests the bartender. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
My friend complained to me that her new Saab 9-5 was having engine problems.
I told her I didn’t want to hear her Saab story.
The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.
They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's definitely not her". "Are you sure?" "Yes positive, my girlfriends black."