My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.
We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.
Apparently I snore so loud
That it scares everyone in the car Iβm driving.
[NSFW] I was eating my girlfriend out when
she fell onto the floor. She popped right back up on the bed and yelled, "FIVE SECOND RULE!"
I bought the worldβs worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, itβs terrible.
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.
At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!
If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test…
I'd have $6.30 right now
I just found out there’s a person inside Iron Man.
It was a Stark realization.
You should never buy Velcro
Itβs a total ripoff
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off
I think Iβm being stalked
If life gives you melons,
You might be dyslexic
Do you know why women fart after they pee?
They can't shake it so they need to blow dry.
I sent this to my mom and she really liked it. Thanks boomer comic artists :)
https://ift.tt/2MOn701
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar every time I have pessimistic thoughts.
Itβs currently half empty.
My son was rejected from Indiana University. Feeling persistent, he asked me if he should call one of the advisors and plead for admission.
I told him beggars canβt be Hoosiers.
I think itβs wrong that only one company…
…makes the game Monopoly.
What’s the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme.
An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm
He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"Β Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."Β Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"Β Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."Β Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"Β Boy just laughs and keeps walking.Β That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.Β Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.Β Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"Β Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."Β Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"Β Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."Β Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"Β Boy just laughs and keeps walking.Β That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.Β Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.Β Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"Β Boy says "It's a pussy willow."Β Old man says "Wait up … I'll get my hat."
Why were Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake depressed?
Their careers were in ruins.
At the bakery, I saw a cake that was sculpted like a house and I decided to have it.
As I was eating it, I said to myself, "It tastes just like home."
Texted my dad to figure out what we wanted to eat for dinner, and got this one
Me: "So, what do you want to do for dinner?" Him: "Eat, lol. You?"
Iβm not sure what shocked my mailman more
That I came to the door naked or that I knew where he lived
Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)
Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice. After finishing their act, on their way back……… 1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this, the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse……. I think she was a witch!!! 1st drunk: Why would you say that??? 2nd drunk: Well i gave her a little love bite on her bum…..She farted in my face and flew out of the window! Edit: wow! Frontpage. This blew up like the doll! I can't correct the typos. My apologies.
cleaning with alcohol doesn’t work…
…NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.
If Dodge made an electric car…
Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife…
He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple…all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "THE TEETH!"
What do you call a seizing cow?
Beef jerky.
So my brother’s girlfriend was recently diagnosed with cancer, and when she told him, he proposed to her on the spot!
So see ladies, we guys can be spontaneous and romantic. We just don't like long term commitments.