My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.
We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, confirming that it could arrive at their position in approximately two weeks. The old vet sighed and shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship and trying to repair it. The young soldier scoffed. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."
I sprayed some deodorant in my mouth.
Now, when I talk, I have this weird Axe-scent
What is the downside of eating a clock?
It's time-consuming.
How do you think the unthinkable
With an ithberg
I saw a program billed as ” LeeAnn Rimes with Cher.
Then I thought to myself no, it doesn't.
How much does a chimney cost?
Nothing. It is on the house.
I was given MDMA and LSD tonight…
What a shit way to start a game of Scrabble.
The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, “We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line.”
A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! We are NOT using that!" A week passes, and the ad man returns with another tape. The new tape shows Jesus hanging on the cross in the background, and in the foreground a centurion turns to the camera and says, "B&Q nails: they hold anything!" The CEO is furious and yells, "JESUS IS NOT GETTING NAILED TO THE CROSS WITH B&Q NAILS, PERIOD!" Another week goes by, and the ad man comes back with a third tape. This time Jesus sprints down the street with a group of centurions in pursuit. As he passes the camera one of the centurions turns and says, "We should have used B&Q nails!"
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An Irrelephant.
A little girl says to her mother: “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around”
"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home." So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?" And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet – I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear." "Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole." "Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?" "I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her." "Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?" "Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.
I never thought my son would steal road signals
But when I got home all the signs were there
Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up.
You don’t need make-up. Aww, that is so sweet of you! You need plastic surgery.
I was accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
What did the arm wrestler who won the tournament say to the other wrestlers ?
I had the upper hand
I pour my root beer into a square cup.
Now it's just beer.
What’s the difference between your Wife and your Job?
Well, after 10 years your Job still sucks.
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,
That’s just how I roll.
I got a bar installed into my roof.
Just so whenever I have guests I can say "drinks are on the house".
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.
When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her why she was crying she said: "A brick fell from the sky, landed on my dog, and now my dog is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was a man laughing his head off. Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him. After they asked him he replied, "I bent over to get the newspaper this morning, I farted and my whole house blew up!"
Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
And then they call me ugly and poor.
Last night i used Vaseline with my wife and came 10 times
Once with her and 9 in the shower trying to wash it off
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
i had sex for an hour and 24 seconds last night
thanks daylight savings
Where are all these great dad jokes stored?
The dadabase