My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.
We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.
An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
Why did the doctor pull a rectal thermometer out of their pocket?
Some asshole has their pen.
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics.
I’m outta here!!
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you…don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone…yeah I know, about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that …… French nightie. I love you…can't wait to see you…we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote. "I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."
What do you call two oranges rubbing together?
Pulp Friction
When God closes a door, He opens a window.
My point is, this church needs a better fire evacuation system.
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!”
Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister." The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later: Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!" Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?" Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter." Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister." This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!" The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.
After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again. I guess the bulb was hot.
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform,
I thought it was a bit odd. Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.
I only believe in about 12.5% of the bible
I’m an eighth-theist
My six year old nephew just told me this joke… Why does a a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
Recently started dating a chinese girl but not sure if I want to keep going.
She’s been raising a lot of red flags.
Finding the loot
Jose had robbed a bank in Texas and fled south across the Rio Grande with the Texas Rangers in hot pursuit. They caught up with him in a town in Old Mexico, only to discover that Jose spoke no English and none of the pursuers spoke any Spanish. They drafted one of the locals – the school teacher – to act as a translator. “Tell Jose that he must tell us where he has hidden the loot from the bank robbery.” “The gringos say to ask where you have hidden the loot.” “Tell the gringos I will never tell them.” “Jose says he will never tell you.” The Rangers pull out their six-guns, cock them, and point them at Jose. “Tell Jose if he does not tell us where he has hidden the loot, we will kill him.” “The gringos say if you do not tell them where you have hidden the loot they will kill you.” Jose begins to tremble with fear. “I buried it by the old oak tree on the other side of the bridge.” “Jose says he is not afraid to die.”
John, the second least popular kid in our class tried to act over smart…
So, John decides to come up to me one day – out of the blue – and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends – again, me. “So, I saw your father yesterday.” This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John would have happened to cross paths. “You did?” I asked. “Did you see him… at work?” “Yes, I did,” John said, haughtily. “And I told him all the embarrassing things that you do in class.” What an odd way to phrase that, I thought. “Uh huh,” I said. “That’s odd, because he didn’t mention anything last night when he got home.” “Well, maybe that’s because he was so shocked by what I told him,” John said, doubling down. “Tell me, John,” I said, slowly. “Did you just run into him at work, or were you a patient?” John, obviously not expecting this question, answered. “I was a patient.” I nodded. “That’s interesting, John.” “Why?” “Because my father is a gynecologist.”
There’s quite a crowd at the lego store
They are lined up for blocks.
I want to share a corona virus poem I wrote today.
Everybody was Kung Flu fighting, That crap was fast as lightning, In fact, it was a little bit frightening, The experts couldn’t predict the timing, Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.
I ran out of toilet paper the other day, and have been using newspaper since…
And man, the Times are tough!!!
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts…
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…
How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
Click here to find out!
My sister: Wow dad, you smell good
Dad: I know, it’s because I use both of my nostrils
I was changing a light bulb the other day. Then I crossed the street and walked into a bar.
It was then I realized my life was a joke.
My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c
Because you can't see in the dark
There’s a magician who can fold even the highest-quality guitars in half.
He's known as "the Fender bender".