My Great Uncle’s Final Words
My great uncle just passed on Sunday. The family had known for a few days it was near the end. His family gathered around him on his death bed, with some flying in from other states to say their goodbyes.
"Dad," says his daughter, "[Grandson] flew in from San Francisco just to see you."
My great uncle woke up for moment and said, "Boy, his arms must be tired."
Those were his last words.
They both are in the middle of water
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
"BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" he cries. "EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed – even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door. In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out. A minute afterwards, the bartender sees a massive hulk of a man punch down the door and walk inside. Seven feet tall, with biceps like steel girders and piercings as thick as railroad spikes. He walks up to the bartender, making the entire room rumble with every footstep. "Gimme some whiskey!" roars the giant. The bartender, scared out of his mind, hands him an entire bottle. He drinks it all in one swig, and then smashes the bottle over his own head. "Can I… can I get you another?" asks the bartender. The giant just shakes his head and says, "Naw, I can't stay for too long. Didn't you hear? Big Jake's comin'!"
But none of them work.
They don't have enough bucks to buy clucks.
They'd have to spell it different.
The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blowjob. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
another popes up
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
Because people are exorcising.
There are too many ears
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
and it hertz alot.
It’s just a curd to me.
Is sphere itself
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.
The captain was standing on the deck!
Windows : Please enter your new password. User : cabbage Windows : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. User : boiled cabbage Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least 1 numerical character. User : 1 boiled cabbage Windows : Sorry, the password must not have blank spaces. User : 50bloodyboiledcabbages Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. User : 50BLOODYboiledcabbages Windows : Sorry, the password must not have cosecutive capital letters. User : 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow! Windows : Sorry, the password cannot contain a special character. User : IWillHuntYouDown50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow Windows : Sorry, this password is already in use.
“You’re running around with another woman—admit it!” she demanded. “What other woman?” Adam shot back. “You’re the only one here.” That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. “What are you doing?” “Counting your ribs.”
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
Wii U!!! Wii U!! Wii U!!
On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
Alien versus Redditor.
But not if you die late.
"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher. "You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies. Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language around me? My husband is a preacher, and I am a devout Christian." "No, ma'am, I think you misunderstood. That's the name of our best ham – The Damn Ham." "Oh," she replies. "Well, I'll take The Damn Ham!" Later as she's preparing dinner, her husband arrives. "Smells great in here!" he says as he enters. "What are you cooking, honey?" "The Damn Ham," she tells him. "What has gotten into you?" he asks. "You know that we do not use that kind of language in this house." "No, dear, that's the name of this ham – The Damn Ham," she explains. "Oh, I see. Well, The Damn Ham smells delicious!" After a while, the two of them and their two sons are sitting at the table enjoying a well made dinner. Going in for seconds, the preacher turns to his wife and asks, "Dear, could you pass me The Damn Ham?" One of the sons jumps up, slaps the table, and yells, "That's the spirit, Dad! Pass the fucking peas!"
I went shopping in two different stores today for alcohol and, both times, was asked to remove my sunglasses.
I guess I must've looked shady. [Based on a true story!]
Regardless, I'm told his family cried heaps at the funeral.
Fruit flies like a banana.
"Are you having a crisis?"
Because they arrrrrr!!!