My grief counsellor died the other day..
But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
Me: "wow … that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"
Or are they getting pressured into it?
He got a little behind in his work.
Yeah me either, he couldn't make the cut.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They’d all be a lot more comfortable
In 2033, we will witness the rise of "Quaranteens"
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
Man: AND ?
Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical" so after we made love i disappeared
In Queso emergencies
He tractored down.
So i packed up my things and right
He’s a bit overprotective of them, so when Friday date night rolls around, he greets the gentlemen callers at the door with a shotgun over his shoulder. Friday night rolls around, and the doorbell rings, so he walks to it, shotgun in hand, and opens it to a young man who says: “Hi, I’m Freddy! I’m here to pick up Betty! We’re gonna go eat spaghetti! Is she ready?” The farmer is a bit bewildered by this greeting, but he can’t see anything wrong with this guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10.” A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says: “Hi, I’m Jim! I’m here to pick up Kim! We’re gonna go for a swim! Can I come in?” The farmer is again bewildered by the greeting, but again, he can’t see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10, and no funny business in the pool.” A few minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says: “Hi, I’m Joe! I’m here to pick up Flo! We’re gonna go to a show! Can she go?” By now, the farmer is completely dumbfounded by these greetings, but again, he can’t see anything wrong with the guy, so he tells him: “ok, have her home by 10.” A few minutes later, the doorbell rings one last time, and the farmer opens the door with his shotgun over his shoulder to a young man who says: “Hi, I’m Chuck—“ and the farmer shoots him.
Because he has an ereptile dysfunction.
Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.
A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go." The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that." The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"
They might be seeing someone on the side
Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
A receding hareline
It was a stage he was going through.
The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?" "Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose". The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question. "Well darling, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a lily petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily." The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg". "Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".
It gets toad.
After all, they’re still stuck in the last decade
People say I'm mentally eel.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
"I'm a turtle", he says. "Oh… who's on your back?" "That's Michelle", he replies.
We were maid for each other.
Because seven was a well known six offender
A cactus has all the little pricks on the outside.
But I broke up with her because she was too kneady.