# My half-brother is 6’5

Jeez, imagine if he were a full brother

## Catholic school girls

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate. All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I?m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

## I’m thinking about starting a company to provide Wi-Fi in public swimming areas..

I'm going to call it IP in Pools

## A long time ago I read this joke I found so good I wrote it down. I found this note today

Disclaimer: This joke involves gender-based humour and don't actually reflect the my viewpoint about either gender. So there was this billionare, very sucessful enterpreneur, that decided to invest a large chunk of his funds in a new business: The Husband Shop The Husband Shop is a 6-floor building, each containing an assortment of husbands bearing more or less the same characteristics, however the next floor has a costier but better selection. So, this Lady goes to visit the shop and she sees this at the first floor: "At The Husband Shop we strive to present to you the very best in man. This Floor has 100% loyal men". Quite pleased with what she sees, she goes to the next one and it says: "This Floor 100% loyal men and they are very handsome!". She investigates further, and on the third floor she sees: "This floor has 100% loyal men, and they are handsome and romantic!" On the fourth floor she finds: "This floor has 100% loyal men, which are also very handsome, romantic and great with kids!" The fifth floor had the following: "This floor has 100% loyal men, all of them are very handsome, romantic, great with kids and they'll rock your world in the bed every time!" She was absolutely amazed by what they had put together, and she knew they had the best for last, so she found this: "Congratulations! You are the 4,986,221th visitor this year! Sorry, there are no husbands in this floor. We regret to inform we abandoned "The Husband Shop" development as we realized women were nearly impossible to please". ————————————————— BONUS JOKE In order to appeal to both genders (and alleviate the uproar of sexism accusations), the billionare made "The Wife Shop", and they put a lot more effort this time around. Since the other business became so famous because of the unusual service, a reporter did some digging, and he came back with this: "Upon arriving 'The Wife Shop', or TWS, the costumer is immediatly greeted by an employee that will explain the concept of the business and will acompany Him or Her through the floors, in the same method they used on The Husband Shop. The First Floor says: Welcome to The Wife Shop! We keep our promise to strive for excellency, but this time it's all about finding you your perfect wife! This floor has the most gourgeous women you'll ever find. The second floor says: "This floor has absolutely gorgeous women and they are all incredible in the bedroom. The 4 remaining floors are yet to be visited".

## I stole my ex girlfriend’s wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

## I got a new job at the guillotine factory.

I’ll beheading there soon.

## I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if anyone had any porn sites they’d like to recommend other than:

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r/pornvids r/nsfw_videos Meet People r/dirtysnapchat Other NSFW r/randomactsofblowjob r/NSFWFunny r/pornhubcomments r/confusedboners r/dirtykikpals r/nsfw_wtf r/randomactsofmuffdive r/stupidslutsclub r/sluttyconfessions r/sextrophies Armpits cause people like that r/armpits r/celebrityarmpits r/armpitfetish I don’t even know where the fuck this would go section r/dragonsfuckingcars r/SCPORN r/fedlegs r/cummingonfigurines r/dragonbutts r/dragonpussy r/dragonpenis These have gotten boring 😔 Any help is much appreciated. Thanks.

## So I’m in my garage and my wife walks in.

She yells STAMPEDE!!! And threw a handful of animal crackers at me. I'm giggling like a schoolgirl.

## I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches…

Whatever you do, do NOT carry them in your back pocket…

## I walked downstairs to find my daughter eating cereal in complete darkness

I asked her, "What kind of psycho eats cereal in the dark?" "A cereal killer" she replied. I have taught her well.

## To judge or not to judge … that is the pet question

To judge or not to judge … that is the pet question

## Astronaut 1: I can’t find any milk for my coffee

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

## What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign Language

## Took a demolitions class, first day was a train-wreck.

No text found

## What is 5Q + 5Q?

You're welcome.

## During her time in the US, the Queen of England was given a tour of a hospital

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my Goodness!" screamed the Queen. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture." "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the Queen. As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, she screamed, "Goodness Gracious! How can THAT be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same condition, better health plan."

## A Nazi walks into a bar

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there." As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back. The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar "Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf" Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before "Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman. Bartender responds: "Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar"

## I just witnessed a guy getting shot with a paintball gun.

He dyed on impact.

## I’m going to open a restaurant that serves a fusion of Hawaiian and Jamaican cuisines

I'm going to call it Poke, Mon

## If An Anti-Vax Kid Had a Theme Song, What Would it Be?

The Final Countdown

## Did you know that the secret service can no longer yell “Get Down!” when the president is in danger?

Now they have to say, “Donald, Duck!”

## Do you know how to spot clickbait?

Obviously not

## I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.

If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

## Why Americans don’t use metric?

Foot fetish

## Why do gay people smile so much?

It's hard for them to keep a straight face.

## An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

## Dear Microsoft:

If you had called your search engine Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. What would you rather say? "I just Googled Rihanna"or "I just Banged Rihanna."

## Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.

Me: Thanks for reminding me.

## My son may be a good father…

But I'm a grandfather.