My inflatable dock burst after my friends kept telling me to fill it with more air.
Too much pier pressure.
Two cannibals sat by a fire the 1st one says
"I'm going to become a vegan". The other one says "me too" The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny " The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"
Wife: I have to tell you something, I’m pregnant
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad Wife: No you’re not.
My new pencil can write UNDERWATER
it can write other words too
My dog has a problem with chasing people on bicycles.
It's gotten so bad that I had to take his bike away.
Some people are like Slinkies.
Not all that useful but fun to push down the stairs.
Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks
They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them. The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!” The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
What’s the male version of a Karen called?
I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.
A cop pulls a guy over..
Goes up to the drivers window, says “license and registration please.” Guy says “here is my registration, I’m sorry but I don’t have my license on me.” The officer, in a good mood replies, “that’s okay, what’s your name I can look you up in our system” “Nick” “Nick… what?” “Nick nothing, just nick.” Cop says “okay I’m trying to be nice, don’t fuck with me. Explain.” Guy replies “ Well I was born Nicholas Johnson. Everyone always called me Nick Johnson. I went to medical school, became a doctor. So then my name was Nick Johnson M.D. “ “One night in Vegas I was with a hooker, she unfortunately gave me VD. When I got back home they called me Nick Johnson M.D. with VD. Somehow one of my patients got infected so they took away my medical license so then my friends called me Nick Johnson with VD. “Then the VD took my Johnson so now I’m just Nick”
A farmer and a king died at the same time.
They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates. "Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?" The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits. "Wonderful," said St. Peter. "What can you do, your majesty?" The king immediately went to the nearest toilet and flushed it. Ultimately, St. Peter made the decision to allow the king into heaven. And the moral of the story is, a royal flush always wins against a pear, no matter how big.
The best part about Islamic sex dolls
Is they can blow themselves up
What makes gays and lawyers happy?
New mandates
I havent spoken to my wife for eighteen months
I don’t like to interrupt her.
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
Who is the coolest doctor in the hospital?
The hip consultant
Mom moves expensive cuts of beef into the top shelf.
Dad: The steaks have never been higher.
(OC) How do you say goodnight to a tortilla chip?
Buenos Nachos!
So a doctor has sex with one of his patients…
And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"
My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.
Life before that was a blur.
Me: Sir, you can’t give me a ticket for speeding. I am planning to run a Marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
Why did Episodes 4, 5 and 6 come out before 1, 2 and 3?
In charge of scheduling Yoda was.
I’ll never use that dictionary again…
The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.
I hate Russian dolls,
they're so full of themselves.
Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman…
He was always to scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment. He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off. She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was squirming around, appearing as if she was having a sexual dream. Superman thought “She’s probably dreaming about me.” He said, “You know what, I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly in, fuck her and fly out, and she wouldn’t know what happened!” So he did exactly that. He flew in quickly, did her and flew away. Wonder Woman says “What the hell was that?” And then the Invisible Man says “I don’t know, but my asshole is killing me!”
I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
My 6 month old son has his first milk shake today.
My wife was breastfeeding him during the earthquake.
A man made a mistake in an elevator.
He was wrong on many levels.
I always confuse claustrophobia and homophobia
Remind me, which is the one about being in the closet?
Because I’m British I can say that I smoked a fag and it wouldn’t be offensive
Regardless, I'm told his family cried heaps at the funeral.
John passed away, when he woke up, he was at the feet of Saint Peter –
– with millions of clocks around the room. Confused, he stood up and asked, "What are the clocks for?" Saint Peter said to him, "These are the clocks of everyone in the world, they only move when someone lies." So John goes to one and says, "Why has this one only moved twice?" Saint Peter said, "that is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice for he has only lied twice in his life." John goes to another, he asked, "Why hasn't this one moved?" Saint Peter says, "That is Saint Teresa's, for she has never lied." Curious now, John asked, "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" Amused, Saint Peter says, "Oh, Jesus is using it as a ceiling fan in his office."
A 15 year old boy turns 16 tomorrow.
He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself. The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in bed covers. She goes into her house and finds her son hauling what covers remain out the door. "Jeffrey!" she exclaims, "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" "You don't know?" the kid says, "Sheet posts are the best way to get the car, ma!!"
The Bristol Zoo Parking Attendant
Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees for cars $1.40, for buses $7. Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent. The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee. The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll. Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy is a man who’d apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day — for 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars … and no one even knows his name. Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/fake-parking-attendant/
My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line.
"G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?" I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well….ya know." The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!" I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You've saved my honeymoon!"
What’s the difference between being hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber.
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods…
…but it’s harder to deter gents
“Diana!” I said greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door…
She said, "My name's Anna." I said, "Yeah, I know."
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster
So we can think about a solution in silence.