My kid just told me she’s scared of Santa.
I think I'm being stalked! EDIT: a word
Apparently it's ill eagle.
A four-chin teller.
Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman
Because dawn is tough on Greece
It's changing your ring tone
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats……..boy ant.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
He asked me to help him check his balance…. So I pushed the fucker over.
A witch is waiting for me at home
If you can’t come let me know
Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran- Grandpa – it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.
She hates my mandates.
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?” She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going,he replies, “I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year”.
Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
I wonder what kind of birds they will grow into.
They get toad.
A carrot 🥕
At first I thought she was kidding, but apparently she's sirius.
-Hello, My name is Mia! -Hello. Mine is Emma. How'd you die? -Well… I froze to death. -Oh my.. what a terrible way to die! -Well it wasn't that bad. I was shivering from cold, but then I felt a warmness and I got really sleepy, Then I died. How did you die? -I had a heart attack. I thought that my husband cheating on me, so I left work early to catch him red-handed. Then I saw him just watching television. -What happened after? -I was certain that there was an another woman in the house. So I furiously started to search the whole house. Under the bed, the roof, closets but I couldn't. I was too tired of searching, I just had an heart attack. (Mia starts to laugh) -What's so funny? -Oh dear.. if you checked the fridge we both would be still alive!
A husband and wife were lying in bed trying to decide how to tell when the other one wanted to do the deed. The wife turned to the husband and said, “If I’m in the mood to get frisky, I’ll put your hand on my boob. If you too are in the mood, squeeze once for yes. If not, squeeze twice for no.” The husband said, “And if I’m interested, I’ll put your hand on my penis. All you have to do is tug once for yes, and tug 537 times for no.”
"Well, at least you could try."
They didn’t do anything
What do you call a crappy lawyer? An a-turd-ney
Never mind, it’s pointless…
That makes him Postponed Malone.
So I did. She’s 21 and her name is Amber
Well, three can play that game!
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
He slept all through math.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean