My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing…
Probably because it's a Dell
So she can moan with the other.
Because pepper would make them sneeze! She's six. She's awesome.
Me: “ok, this isn’t working out.”
I will stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
Because the Chicken retired and moved to Connecticut.
Clerk responds, "No problem, sir. This room is called 'The Lobby'"
I didn't think it was pause-able.
-Whom, sweetheart? -Dante the mailman. -Dante the mailman? But he could be your father! -But mom, age is just a number. -Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.
A man is sitting at a bar, staring at his drink, not moving. After about 20 minutes of this another man notices and walks over and grabs the drink from the man and gulps it down. He sets the glass down and looks at the man he just stole from, waiting for a reaction. The man who had his drink stolen slowly turns to the man who took his drink and says, "I've had a really bad day. My alarm clock didn't go off this morning so I was late to work, which got me fired. When I went to drive home I found my car had been stolen. In the cab I took to get home my wallet fell out and I lost it. When I get home I find my wife in bed with the neighbor. And now, when I finally get the courage to kill myself, somebody drinks my poison. "
Bombi. EDIT: Wow this blew up
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.
No text found
You look for the fresh prints.
"Well, everything looks great," the employer said. "But I see here there was an 8 year gap since your last job. What happened there?" "Oh, I went to yale," the man told him. "Neat!" The employer responded enthusiastically. "You're hired! You start on Monday." "Yay!" the man exclaimed. "I got a yob!"
She missed and stabbed me in the thigh. She was later charged with a misdaweiner.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
You can hide but you can’t run
When you pee on them, they disappear
You have no more energy left to live, you just need try to fuel yourself.
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
Because if it had 4 doors it’d be a chicken sedan.
A nervous wreck
He replied, "it's basically a small oak tree, in a nutshell."
It's like I have never seen herbivore
The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.
One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story, ”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom. The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back stairs and into the maid’s bed. She just had time to switch the lights off when in he came in silently………. He wasted no time or words but quickly took out his dick, got on top of her and fucked her like there was no tomorrow. When he finished and while he was still panting, the wife said, "You didn’t fcuking expect to find me in this bed did you!!” and switched on the light. “No madam”, said the gardener.
If you take one out during class, everyone starts acting like your friend.
He says he can't complain.
A solid 10, but also imaginary.
But that's comparing apples to oranges
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
They're both thinking "Oh crap, mom is gonna kill me."
I am getting over it, slowly.
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
“You’re much bigger than that.”
Its what they call Ninjary time.