My last pun of 2018
Why couldnβt the bike stand up by itself?
It was two tired
My local movie theater got robbed of $1000 yesterday…
The thieves made off with two medium cokes, a large bag of popcorn and some M&Mβs.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer
than the men who mention it.
My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.
Help me out with my uni assignment by completing this survey :(
Hey old fellas of boomer. It would be great if y’all take some time to fill out this quick survey I’m conducting for my uni assignment. Try to make your answers long pleaseeeβhttps://ift.tt/3ayaejr
Nobody believes me, but I only have sex standing up.
Iβm not fucking lying.
Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!
Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it. Wife: And when does that part come? Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.
Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth?
Itβs pasteurized before you even see it.
The other day I saw a bucket at the hardware store with a sign that said: dead batteries – $1 each.
I thought to myself βthese should be free of chargeβ.
It’s like Coke and Pepsi fr
It’s like Coke and Pepsi fr
A man gets “I love you” tattooed on his penis.
He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend. She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".
An alcoholic wakes up in jail.
He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking," replies the officer. "Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?
None, he βfellβ
A man is staggering home drunk after last call. A policeman sees the man stumbling around and asks where heβs going.
βIβm heading to a lecture,β the man slurs in response. βA lecture?β the skeptical cop responds. βWho would be giving a lecture at this time of the night?β βMy wife,β the drunk man answers.
What does every racist joke start with?
A look over the shoulder.
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up pizza and coke on the way back from work. But it seems she was not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the kids.
Is sex a joke?
If it is, I don't get it
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.
The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.
A book just fell on my head
I have only my shelf to blame
Archaeologists recently discovered a tomb
When they dug the remains up they saw that the skeleton had a fine layer of chocolate on it and after months of intense research they discovered that it was the remains of the famous Pharaoh Rocher.
I asked the hairdresser to cut my hair like Elvis.
Stupid bastard started dancing around the shop.
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that Iβm older I donβt fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
There were three guys on a plane
The first guy takes a bite out of an apple and says its too sweet. So he throws it out of the plane. The second guy takes a bite out of a lemon and says its to sour. He also throws it out of the plane. The third guy takes a bite of a grenade and says its too hard. So he too throws it out of the plane. The guys land, and theyβre walking around town. They see a girl crying and ask her why shes crying βAn apple came down and killed my catβ she said They walk some more and see a boy crying He said βa lemon came down and killed my dogβ They then came across a kid laughing really hard. He said βI farted and the guy behind me explodedβ
What do the testicles of a priest look like?
Silly question, every child knows that.
Saw this on my way home from work. Must be a one shoed sex worker out there somewhere.
https://ift.tt/2PzOg8J
A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient…
…as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.
I would hate to have a gay dad
I would rather have two
What sound does a bouncing plane make?
Boeing-Boeing-Boeing
I hate the word “xenophobia”
it just sounds so…foreign
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
Instead of a swear jar I have a pessimism jar, every time I have a negative thought I put a coin in.
Itβs currently half empty
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
Most Starred Programming Languages on GitHub (2014-2020)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7OzkGkyr_Y
I yelled βcow!β at a woman on a bike and she gave me the finger.
Then she plowed her bike straight into the cow.
What did the farmer say to the cows at night? π
Itβs pasture bedtime.
What genre are national anthems?
Country music.
Yesterday I saw a half-dog, half-cat…
Whatβs up with dat!?
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
My girlfriend wants me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter.
Boy, do I have some news for her.
Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
Why do Hipsters keep drowning while iceskating?
Because they did it before it was cool