My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.
Instead I just swam for the surface.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?
He had reptile dysfunction
I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms
The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"
Did you hear about the arrogant cannibal who started eating himself?
He was so full of himself.
My wife just called me and said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!”
I replied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
Doctor, I have a sexual problem.
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle
Once you’ve seen one shopping center…
You've seen the mall!
I won today.
After the delivery of yet another stupid dad joke today my nine year old rolled his eyes HARD, shook his head and said, "I quit… I quit being your son." Then I found him repeating the joke to himself and immediately telling himself to shut up while grinning. It was glorious. *Edit: Asked how many choplet cook chippies he wanted. He wanted three with a glass of milk
And for my next trick, I will dissapear
Fuck you pear, you taste like shit
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red.
How do you send warships via email?
Google Docks
An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asks, “What is this, father?” The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.” While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and the lady rolls between them into a small room. The walls close and the boy and his father watch as small circles light up above the walls. The walls open up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman steps out. The father looks at his son excitedly and says, “Go get your mother.”
Recently, I have started gardening and started to plant all my herbs in alphabetical order. People often ask how I find the time.
I tell them “it’s next to the sage”
I just finished reading “Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea.”
The entire novel was a sub-plot.
The guys loitering on the street had been trolling this kid for a couple of years.
They'd hold out a nickle in one hand and a dime in the other and ask "Which one do you want? The nickle is bigger!" and the kid would always take the nickle. One day I took the kid aside and asked him "Don't you know the dime is worth twice as much?" He said "Yeah, but if I take the dime they won't ever do it again!"
I was having anal sex with my GF…
I was having anal sex with my girlfriend and suddenly her dad barged through the door and she screamed "Dad, I'm sorry!" Then he turned to me and asked, "Are you fucking Sorry?"
Why was Yoda afraid of seven?
Because six, seven eight.
“I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.” Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
Why did the Pepsi rep get fired?
His blood tested positive for Coke.
I’ve already heard like seven cancer puns today…
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign
I’ve been shrunken down to the size of a data cell and shoved into an iPod.
It would appear I'm in a bit of a jam.
Free Sex with Fill-Up
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up!' Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all." Paddy replied, "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. My sister won twice last week."
A man decided to attend his friend’s funeral. He approached his friend’s widow and after a consoling hug said “Plethora”.
She responded "Thanks that means a lot".
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life….
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”
My ex-wife still misses me.
But her aim is steadily improving.
I need some help fixing my new pen.
Anyone have any tips?
I’ll always remember what my grandfather said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
He said, "Grandson…How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
At midnight it will officially be Ramones time.
2020, 24 hours to go…
What do you call a group of mountains?
Hilarious.
Roses are red, Cellos are brown
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down 😉
I love driving my car, makes me feel like I’m charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control
What genre are national anthems?
Country.