My latest million dollar idea…
How do they do that?
This week I’m hosting a charity event for men who can’t ejaculate.
If you can’t come let me know.
But isn’t Trump a lot of work?
Bring our troops home
This lie hurts the most
Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”
Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?" "Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?" The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," said the Queen. Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!" Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!" Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"
It hurts me!!
Talking to my girlfriend… does this count?
Gf: “I don’t know what you see in me.” Me: “Nothing, I don’t have x-ray vision.” Gf: “You know what I mean.” Me: “Nope. Don’t have telepathy either.”
scientists of reddit, explain
why do rice krispies snap, crackle and pop?
The Doctor asks the patient: “Does your head hurt?”
Patient: "Yes it does, doctor." Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"
Laundry, a difficult concept
Am i the only one doing this.
Studying at home be like…
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. “Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?” Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”
Not a cartoon but still Boomerous
This got a chuckle out of me.
Just lost my job as a zookeeper
In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"
DJT: We need free speech on college campuses. For conservatives. Who won’t boo me.
American tells to his Russian colleague:
"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him" The Russian: "When Putin passes by, we all piss on him" The American: "I exaggerated a little – we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit". The Russian: "And I exaggerated too – when we piss, we don't take off our pants".
I think it’s time to hit CTRL-C
Companies after NordVpn got hacked..
Trickle down economics is just socialism for corporations.
My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
Research grants in the medieval times
As a spanish speaking dude I really appreciate when people approach me and say “mucho”.
It means a lot to me.
Boomer humor in a nutshell.
I got fired today because my manager caught me masturbating with a vegetable during my break
Apparently nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you can do with the patients.
Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
They are Santa's star bucks
Whose the man?
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
Medusa is so hot
Every time I look at her I’m rock hard
Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.” “That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.” “He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.” So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?” “Of course I did!” Answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.” “Where did it go?” Arthur asks. “I don’t remember.”
Glad google is doing good, but most of y’all ain’t
Why can’t Superman beat Dracula?
Because he's afraid to go into the krypt tonite!
How do you find put how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
If I got $1 every time a woman said I was’t her type
I'd be her type.
We need help
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..
"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!" The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard. One of the nuns thoughtfully says, -Sister, shall we just write: "Attention, the bridge is demolished?"
Chick fil-a ads gon’ be like
CaNnOt ReSoLvE sYmBoL ‘string’
Somebody threw a jar of mayonnaise at me…
I was like: What the Hellman
Why does society seem to hate lazy people?
They didn't even do anything.
Lets see if anyone can understand this one.
When the kids came back from recess, the teacher announced a pop spelling quiz…
"Pop spelling quiz, class!" She said, and called on little Johnny. "What did you do during recess, Johnny?" Asked the teacher. Johnny replied "I played in the sandbox with Suzy and Leroy" "Ok, spell 'sand' and you will get a cookie!" Says the teacher. Johnny spells it correctly and gets his cookie. "And what did you do on recess, Suzy?" Suzy replied that she played in the sandbox with Johnny and Leroy. "Spell 'box' and you will get a cookie." Says the teacher. Suzy correctly spelled box and got her cookie. "Leroy, what did you do during recess?" The teacher asked. He replied, with tears in his eyes "Well, I tried to play in the sandbox with Johnny and Suzy, but they just threw rocks at me and called me a N$%%ER!" The teacher looked at Leroy and said "Well my goodness! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination!" "So, Leroy, spell 'blatant racial discrimination' and you'll get a cookie!"
How does that even happen?!
Helen Keller once described a cheese grater…
…as "the most violent book I've ever read."
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water.
I can already see it happening
cat class selector
So many people complain about how much money it is to fill up their car with gas.
I save money by filling up just the tank.
When the build fails and you immediately recompile
Tv murders book
Darling! It’s Arrived!
I was drinking at a bar so i took the bus home
Seemed like a good idea at the time but i've never driven a bus before…
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
Asian girls don’t poop…
…they take dumplings.
Aha! I’m stucked badly..
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence. I got off pretty easy…
it’s a plate!
Responding to Trump’s latest Twitirade
Ohnuhnuh Shoktitaknuh nuhnuh go go duhnununuh
Cooking rice is fucking scary
The backend vs the front-end
Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back.