My left brain refusing to trust my right brain
Two Priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them.
He says to the first Priest "I'm Jesus Christ." The Priest replies "No son, you're not!" So he says to the second "I'm Jesus Christ." He says "No son, you're not." The drunk says "Look I can prove it." He takes the two Priests into the bar. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says "JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE HERE AGAIN!!!"
Extra ketchup pls
I don’t trust umbrellas.
Get the Aloe Vera, Karen just got a sick burn!
I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God.
I've never seen one before, but I have faith.
A guy walks into an empty bar…
He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say….."nice pants!" He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar. Then he hears….."your hair looks great!" Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears….."I like your tie!" At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?" The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess." The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts". "The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused. "Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender….. "they're complimentary" 🙂
My Trump supporter friend had no idea there was an impeachment inquiry
Did you know there are no canaries on the Canary Islands? Same as with the Virgin Islands…
No canaries there either.
Moscow Mitch Halloween costume.
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves up to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”. The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”. The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason. The pilot says, “You said she is a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”. He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney “
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.
His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!" "I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost. "Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" he says. "It was the lady up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!" says the mother. "Maybe she's mentally ill or has Alzheimer's something. John, you better go see what's going on." So the boy's father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it. "Well," she says, "two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back." "Oh, my goodness, I'm so sorry," the father says. "But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?" "Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did."
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?
He had a bright idea
Why do I always need to manually configure my PATH plugins…
If you take something, that’s one thing
If you take something else, that’s another thing
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Add a nipple to it.
Oh duck oh duck oh duck!
A destitute man is walking the streets looking for a job.
Eventually, he comes to a whorehouse with a "Help Wanted" sign in the window. He walks in the whorehouse and asks the manager about the job offer in the window. The manager says, "well we need a bookkeeper at this here whorehouse, so, there are some things you'll need to be able to do." "Like what?" Says the man. "Well, can you read?" "No." "Can you write?" "No." "Can you at least add or subtract?" "Well no I can't do that either," the man says. "But I'm desperate for a job! I haven't a penny to my name and I'm starving!" "Well, alright here's a quarter to buy yourself something to eat," the manager gives him. The destitute man walks out of the whorehouse and by some chance, a man is walking by with a cartful of apples for sale for 25 cents. The man buys one and just as he's about to take a bite of it, another homeless man says "hey I'll give you 50 cents for that apple!" Thinking about it, the man agrees and gives him the apple. He then goes back to the applecart and buys two more apples for 25 cents a piece and sells them for 50 cents. This carries on for a while and years later he is the manager of the largest fruit shipping company in the US and he's worth millions of dollars. Eventually, a reporter finds out about this man's past and he decides to write a story about him in the paper. But, before he can write the story the man needs to sign an agreement for the paper to use his story. "Well I can't do that," says the man. "Well why not?" "I can't read or write how do you expect me to sign my name?" The reporter is baffled, "you're the owner of the largest shipping company in the US and you cant read or write? Think of where you'd be if you could!" "Well I'd probably be a bookkeeper in a whorehouse" First post, mobile, my boss told me this at work, etc.
History of The Conservative movement in two images.
Scratch is amazing
Saw this on r/coronavirus
Did you know it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I wanted to be a monk…
But I never got the chants.
While applying for Australian citizenship the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I replied, " No, is that still required?"
A married man was having an affair with his secretary
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
Knock knock / Who’s there? / Broken pencil / Broken pencil who?
Nevermind it’s pointless.
Tis the season….
Five years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times
I tried to flatulate while lying on my back but my balls got in the way
It was a scrotal eclipse of the fart
Goku mastered ultra physicist
-Tips fedora at mosquito-
No need to tell me why.
What do you call a Nun who walks in her sleep?
A roamin' Catholic.
For the people in the back
I always carry a stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
The irony, it BURNS!!!
I’m taking my son and daughter to the store tomorrow to buy stuffing for their pillows.
I’m planning to get down with the kids.
That’s some proper magic
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are unfaithful….
Now I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend.
Let’s Recap …
What have you got to lose?
A cow got into the marijuana field…
Now the steaks are high.
My wife sent me a text message only reading “EARTH”
It meant the world to me
That seems to be the criteria
How does these four concepts (thermodynamics, thermal radiation, evaporation, and radiation cooling) works together?
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it…
He's gay, definitely gay.
Where did the hacker go?
I don't know, he ransomware
No deed goes un-Donald’ed
Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. “T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL”
I said, can't turn that down.
Honesty is the best policy?
Every single time
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons tries to board an airplane…
The stewardess stops him and says "I'm sorry sir, you're only one carrion per passenger!"
This sign at a restaurant me and my friends go to every weekend. Rip men.
My boomer of an uncle sent this to me
I called my wife and told her that I’ll pick up Fish and Chips on the way from work. She didn’t respond.
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques — visualization, association — it made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
My anus is gonna drop out sooner or later
Trump tried to kill himself and failed
it was a fake noose
My grandfather’s broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
It’s a timeless piece, really.
To all my friends this holiday season, if you’re going to be drinking, please don’t drive.
The other night at a party, I got a little tipsy, so I left the car behind and took the bus home. It was great because along the way, while cars were being stopped for breathalyzers, the police just waved the bus right through and I was able to get home. In the end, I had no idea I could drive a bus, but I did a pretty good job
Found in my English textbook
Adrenaline power point ending
Trickling it down
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office !
Stay wholesome, Imposter Syndrome gets us all sometimes
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir, Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage. Frankly, your service provider.
I asked my North Korean friend, “what’s it like to live in North Korea?”
He responded, “can’t complain.”
Credit where credit is due