My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
The doc came in and let me know he was here to deliver our baby
I told him that we would prefer if the baby kept its liver.
It’s hard to believe March 12th is already National Pancake Day!
It really crêped up on us this year didn't it!
Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?
They were an undercover cop.
My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall
I said maybe.
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
I don’t like Civil War jokes
I General Lee don’t find them funny
Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing… He said: “Just checking my balance.”
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion.
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead.” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says “plethora”, and sits back down. “Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot.”
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT TO SAY “LADDER.”
What is the phobia of chainsaws called?
Common Sense
I could never date a single mum.
Because then they wouldn't be single.
A horny lion and a horny mouse
agree to fuck each other. The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The lion reluctantly agrees. The mouse begins to fuck the lion and right after he busts his nut, he runs away. The lion notices what has happened and begins to chase the mouse. The mouse, hoping to take disguise, finds a seat at a table. He grabs a newspaper and begins to casually read it, hoping the lion passes him by. The lion urgently asks "Have you seen a little mouse run past here!?" The mouse replies "Do you mean the mouse that fucked you in the ass?" Horrified, the lion gasps: "Its in the newspaper already!?"
Do you know why programers prefer dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
My French teacher sent us this on our French WhatsApp group and I do not know how to reply
https://ift.tt/3ayg8Cs
What’s all this nonsense about nothing flying at Gatwick airport.
My drone's been flying about there all morning no problem.
What do you call a doctor who is always on call?
An oncologist.
Why does Waldo wear stripes
Because he doesn't want to be spotted
Why do Uber drivers skip the gym ?
Because they don't even Lyft
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?
The slow swimmer
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother.
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
A man and his wife are in bed, the man is really horny and wants to have sex, but the woman just wants to read her book, so she refuses.
the man, frustrated, jumps out of bed and goes down to the basement, and when he returns to bed, he's holding a sheep. The man says "this is the pig i cheat on you with when you're busy" . the women looks at him and says "honey, that's a sheep in your hands". The man turns to her and says " I wasn't talking to you".
Two antennas got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
I was interviewing for a job and they asked if I would be alright with travelling –
I said – "Definitely not – I play basketball by the rules"
It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
What is Forrest Gump’s favorite kind of pasta?
Pen- nay (penne)
Why are catholic priests called father?
Because “daddy” would be too suspicious
there is love without sex, and there is sex without love.
and then there’s you, without both.
I don’t mean to brag… but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it’s an extension of my soul.
It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.