My main problem is that I second guess myself way too much.
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My son said “Look! I’m a 3D printer!”
I told him to shut the toilet door when he poops.
A frog goes into a bank
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." Edit: Woohoo!!! My most upvoted post ever! Thanks everyone. Hope you are coping through the Covid-19 challenge. Good luck out there.
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day.
It's still syncing
Did you know that there’s actually no official training for garbage men?
They just pick it up as they go along.
How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized"
Emojis, millennials, stick shift, and cursive? Check, check, check and check.
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I wasnât allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
I can sympathize with batteries.
I never get included in anything either.
I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!
He looked at me and said – Itâs ok. I can stop anytime
Why is womenâs soccer so rare?
Itâs hard finding enough women willing to wear the same outfit.
Baby gender reveal at my family reunion
My brotherâs wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people. One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally. Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, âDo you have a name for the baby yet?â My brother replies, âYeah. Liana Noelle.â Everyone starts to âOoohhhâ and âAhhhhâ and proclaim how pretty of a name it is. Then after a moment I shout, âHow the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?â
Did you know you can’t run in campgrounds?
You can only ran, because it's past tents
An old, gross joke about deer hunting
This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent. I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game warden, he wanted to see my hunting permit. I showed him my N.C. permit, after which he proceeded to stick his finger up the deer's asshole. He pulled his finger out and smelled it. The warden told me that the deer was a Virgina deer, and he wanted to see my Virgina permit. I had hunted in Norfork, Virgina about two months ago, so I looked through my wallet and showed him my Virgina permit. He was very upset because he got some enjoyment from handing out fines to hunters without permits. About one week later I was out hunting again on the same property. I was in a tree stand for almost seven hours before I spotted my first deer. I had a clean shot, and popped the deer right in the neck. While taking the deer back to my truck, the same perverted warden came up and insisted he be allowed to inspect the deer. He stuck his finger right up the deer's ass and then smelled and licked his finger. I was about to throw up. He told me that the deer was from South Carolina and he wanted my S.C. permit. I ran back to my truck and got the S.C. permit out of my glove compartment. This time the warden seemed even more upset then he did the last time. Of course he could not give me a ticket and he had to let me go. I shot three more deers during the rest of the season, and every time he did the same thing. He stuck his finger up the deer's butt and told me that I needed I license from Georgia, Alabama, and then West Virgina. I had a permit for every state. He was so mad when I showed him my permit from West Virgina, I thought he was going to kill me. He said " Boy, you got a permit for every damn state in the South, Where the hell you from?" I pulled down my pants and bent over, and then told the warden, "why don't you tell me!"
Whatâs the difference between the swine flu and the bird flu?
One requires oinkment, and the other requires tweetment.
A girl sleeps with a bunch of dudes and she’s a slut. But what’s a man who does the same thing?
Gay. Definitely at least a little gay.
Why didnât Dwayne Johnsonâs downstairs neighbor recognize him?
Because heâs been living under a rock.
Iâm really upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go!?
My friend shouted, âYou have a BA, a Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!â
It was a third degree burnâŠ
To the jerk who stole my anti-depressants today.
I hope you're happy.
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A waist of time.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
A feminist told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "Your chest is fucking epic."
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plane bagel
A joke I made up that’s funny only when you look back at it.
This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem", The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?" The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!" "That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certainly fix th…" "Wait! Here's the weird thing though" the guy interrupts, "Everything is blurry. EVERYTHING. Except… People's butts. People's butts, dogs butts, cats butts. Butts! I see butts clearly! What's going on?" The Optometrist smiles and calmly replies, "Listen, you've got nothing to worry about. Everyone knows that hindsight is 20/20."
Mr Ed just moved next door to me a few days ago.
Weâre neighbors now.
What has 2 legs and bleeds constantly?
Half a dog.
Coleâs Law
Dad: âHave you hear of Murphyâs Law?â Unsuspecting Victim: âYesâ Dad: âHave you heard of Coleâs Law?â Unsuspecting Victim: âNoâ Dad: âIt is thinly sliced cabbageâ
“Hey Bud, why don’t you use condoms?”
"My pull out game is superb. Condoms are also expensive, gotta pinch pennies when you have 14 kids to feed."
The Wood Glue I just bought doesn’t stick.
I guess I got the wouldn't glue instead.
Iâm opening a new gay club called âGarage Saleâ
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
I taught my kid speed reading and Iâm proud to say that he managed to finish âHarry Potter and the Philosopherâs Stoneâ in an hour and a half.
I know itâs only six words, but itâs a start.
A man goes into his garden and notes a broken fence.
He thus searches online for someone to fix his fence for him, but he is not satisfied with their prices â that is, until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing; but since itâs free, he feels like he has nothing to lose, so he hires him. Sure enough, a few days later, the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand. The man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later, the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished; and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he canât just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free, he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk. âIt surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair,â noted the man. âWhy do you do it?â The monk replied, âReligious reasons.â The man then says, âI donât know much about Buddhism. Why do you need to repair fences?â âBecause,â the monk replied, âyou would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting.â
“I didn’t have time for the impeachment, and presidents don’t play golf during pandemics.”
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