My mate Dave’s always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything, but lately he doesn’t seem like he’s got a care in the world.
“Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?” I asked him.
“I’ve hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me,” he replied. “Only costs me a grand a week.”
“A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?” I asked.
“Fuck knows. That’s his problem.”
What do an Amsterdam woman and Saudi woman have in common?
They both get stoned after sex
I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
![When you can’t afford a trip to Europe [HUMOUR]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/zhp2c11izm541-400x400.jpg)
What do lawyers wear to work?
A lawsuit.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
![[Everyone liked that], ruining decent memes since 2018.](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/bkute5ld1v051-400x571.jpg)
I found out why everyone is collecting TP
It’s because an asteroid might hit us next month. ….. and … paper always beats rock
What do you call someone who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor
My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
A cop walks up to a lawyer…
Lawyer: "I'm not saying another word without my lawyer present." Police: "But you are the lawyer." Lawyer: "Exactly, where's my present?"
My wife yelled at me to put the toilet seat down
I can’t even remember why I was carrying it around
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.
No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
What do you call a blindfolded cockfight?
Bird Box-ing
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He never lands.
A black kid pulls the flour over his head.
A black kid walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, "Look Mama, I'm a white boy!" His mother smacks him and says, "Go to your Daddy and say wbat you just said!" The boy finds his father and says, "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy!" His Daddy bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, "Now what do you have to say about yourself?" The boy replies, "I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people!"
If I had a Delorean
I’d probably only drive it from time to time…
What kind of flour do you buy an orphan
Self raising flour
A vegan kept telling me selling meat is gross
I said selling fruit and vegetables is grocer
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants!
Does someone recognize the icons in this video and understand what the hell is going on?
https://ift.tt/2XA3Raj
They say sex sells…
Probably because you can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.
Two lesbians and two gay guys are driving to the beach. Who gets there first? nsfw
The lesbians because they’re doing 69 the whole way while the gay guys are still at home packing shit.
I had $1,000 extra in my pay last month, this month I was $1,000 short. When I reported it to payroll they asked me why I didn’t say anything when I got paid too much.
I told them, I'll tolerate one mistake but not two.
?
I hardly know her!
A recently married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with
After the question, the woman doesn't respond. The man asks again "Just tell me, it's fine. How many men have you slept with?" His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling. The man says "I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other…" Still silence from his wife. The man, giving up, says "It's OK. Please don't be upset." Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection. While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses, stops looking at the ceiling, looks at him, and upset, tells her husband, "Damn it! You made me lose count!"
Husband and wife are sunbathing at a nudist beach… NSFW
When suddenly a wasp flies into the wife's vagina. She screams in terror, and frantically tells her husband what happened. He scoops her into his arms, throws her into the car and speeds to the hospital. At the hospital the doctor tries a few different ways to remove the wasp with each one failing. The doctor has an idea, turns to the husband and says, "We will coat your penis with honey, you insert it into your wife. When you feel the wasp on your head, slowly remove it." The husband gives it a try but with all the yelling, hectic drive and stress of the situation, he cannot get an erection. The doctor says, "With both your permissions, I can perform the procedure." Fearing that the wasp can do damage in there, they both readily agree. The doctor pulls down his scrubs, smears himself with honey and gets instantly hard. He slowly inserts his honey covered penis a few inches into the wife's vagina. Withdraws an inch, slides back in a couple inches, withdraws a few inches. "There he is… no, lost him… I think I got him. No, no. Lost him again…" Over the next 20 minutes, the doctor's comments has turned into grunts and pants. He now has sweat dripping from his face, while pumping the wife viorously. The wife is moaning wildly, and has locked her legs around the doctors hips. The husband is on the edge of his seat and screams, "Doctor, tell me what's happening!? What's going on in there!" Doctor replies, "Change of plans. I'm going to drown that little fucker."
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G
