My math teacher showed us this
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her. "This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods. The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunning pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks."You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," She replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."
To cover their butt quacks.
When they arrive, the doctor says that he invented a machine to transfer part of the labor pain of the mother to the father of the baby. He then asks if they agree. The couple accepts gladly the procedure. The doctor puts the machine at 10% for starting, explaining that even the 10% it's probably more pain that the father could ever bear. But when the labor started, the husband was feeling okay and he asked the doctor to raise the level. The doctor raised the transfer to 20%. The husband was still feeling good. The former checked the blood pressure of the latter and he was surprised by how good he was reacting. At this point, both decided to raise the transfer up to 50%. The husband was STILL feeling good. Since the transfer of pain was really helping the wife, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The woman gave birth to a healthy child and virtually with no pain. She and her husband were really happy. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.
Because I only have one response and it's "boogie oogie oogie".
Cu Tips of to my classmate for telling me this
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Love means nothing to them.
Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes. Riceless.
Ass skin for a friend.
He's basically a giant banner.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take…
As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
Him : I’m a programmer Her : Never mindProgrammersNeverSleep
The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.
A prick I’m deeply sorry
Now he’s just Dav
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Friend: Congratulations! Do you know the sex? Me: Of course I know “the sex”. How else will she get pregnant?
"You have perfect eyesight."
The Star-Spangled Banner.
She couldn’t see that well
Ever try to iron one?
Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus. Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.” Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.” His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.” Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan. On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath. Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door. Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop. Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?” Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!”
Use a sea saw.
It's a really small number, you've probably never heard of it.
It'll put hare on your chest.
I will have the doctor do it.
Check out Tender!
Runs for 2 days.
He wasn't a very skilled mechanic.
Then it just clicked.
I hate prison.