My mental helt after seeing this meme
I met the woman of my dreams in Korea
She's my Seoul mate
You can actually nut during November.
You just canβt have anyone cashew.
My obese parrot died..
It was sad, but it was a huge weight off my shoulders..
Did you hear cheese and meat sales have gone up in India?
Apparently there is a New Delhi.
Whstd red…
Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
The problem with Trump jokes:
Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.
Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
When your mom is out and the food is in the fridge
When your mom is out and the food is in the fridge
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing so his friend calls 911
''My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, Ok, now what?
A drunk old man stumbles into a bar . . .
Itβs the roughest bar at the end of the roughest street in town. Itβs full of the scariest, meanest bikers you ever saw. Swaying slightly, he scans the room and stops when he finds the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place. He stumbles over to the guyβs table, points at him and says in a loud voice: βI FUCKED YER GRAMA, YOU SON OF A BITCH!β Place goes dead quiet. The big guy doesnβt move, but he also doesnβt take his eyes off the old man. βYou hear me, asshole?! I FUCKED her every which way for HOURS, and you know what? She LOVED it!!She BEGGED for more! What do ya think of THAT?!β The biker says nothing. This just makes the old man angrier. βWhatβs the matter with ya, ya pussy? Ainβt you got nothing to say?!β Slowly, the massive biker rises to his feet . . . . . . and says . . . βLetβs get you home, Grampa. Youβre drunk.β
What do you call a blind dinosaur
A doyouthinkhesaurus
What does a pulse and an orgasm have in common?
I donβt care if she has one.
What do you call a 3.14m long snake?
A Οthon.
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I canβt wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
My father told me that I’m in the 1%
He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we donβt get some support around here, people are gonna think weβre nuts!
Iβm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why
To all the ladies and gents who aren’t getting the V or the D in Valentine’s day
Happy Alentine's Ay
What kind of car does someone visiting Norway drive?
A Fjord Tourist.
The boss of a mining company is trying to decide which of his 3 sons to promote, so he gives them a test…
He sits them all down and tells them: "There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with what budget you have. " He then proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars, and tells them that he will come back to the mine in a week, and see which of them have been able to move the most ore with the money they were given. He returns after one week to check up on them, and approaches his oldest son. "How much digging have you been able to do?" He asks "3 tons of ore, father. I used 300 dollars to buy a broken digger, I then used my business contacts to find a mechanic willing to fix it for just 200 dollars if I gave his 5 kids a job. The youth is so desperate for a job this day, they will do 12 hour shifts even for an internship, and I only had to pay them 100 dollars each for a week of work" The father pats his son proudly on the shoulder before moving on to his middle child, asking him how much mining he had been able to do as well. "10 tons of ore, father. I used 100 dollars to run a local ad in the newspaper asking for workers, then took in 75 undocumented immigrants who all brought their own tools and shovels. They're all so afraid of being taken by immigration that they're willing to work for half minimum wage." The father looks skeptically at his son for a while, but notices the massive piles of ore the workers are carrying out, and gives him a nod before carrying on to his youngest son. "How much mining have you been able to do?" Asks the father "35 tons, dad, but I didn't use any of the budget." The father looks at him in awe, his jaw dropping "How were you able to move 35 tons of ore for free!?" "I invited a bunch of conspiracy theorists. They just keep digging deeper and deeper thinking they're going to find something, and every time I tell them to take a break they accuse me of trying to withhold the truth from them!"
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law
Where were the first French fries made?
…in grease
My dog has a problem with chasing people on bicycles.
It's gotten so bad that I had to take his bike away.
Corduroy pillowcases are back in the news…
Theyβre making all the headlines…
Why does a chicken coup have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan.
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: βSuuuuureee YOU can!β
How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, because the change starts with you.
Do I often put an orange slice in my beer?
Not really. Maybe once in a blue moon.
I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.
I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.
There is a petition circulating on Twitter and Facebook calling on Canada to invade the US.
https://ift.tt/2UE9G6i
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him,”Son, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can’t live with each other any more.”
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?" The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other any more. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?" The father than hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced! Leave it to me, I'll take care of this." So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?" She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Where does a horse go when it gets sick?
The horse-pital Just kidding it gets shot
How do you get free tickets?
Drive over the speed limit.
A priest told me this joke as a kid.
There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl. They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to help them live for as long as possible. He broke the news to his friends, and they weren't too happy about it, but they decided to go along with it anyways, because they knew how out-of-shape they all were. It was tough for them all to stick to the plan at times, however they got through it together. They each lost between 120-140 pounds over the course of 20 years and were in amazing shape for their age. One day the 3 of them were given great news. Bert got a call, he answered it, then turned around to everyone and said: "Guys! My daughter just had a child! I'm going to be a grandpa!". Everybody was celebrating for Bert when Earl got a call from his son. He answered it, and turned around to everybody and said: "Guys! My son is going to get married today! I'm so excited!". Everybody was now celebrating for Bert and Earl, when Chester got a call. He answered it, turned around and said to everybody: "Guys! My family is having a reunion today! I'm going to see so many people that I haven't seen in years!". They found out that the wedding, hospital, and park where the reunion was were all in the same town, and decided to carpool together to get there. It had snowed a little the day before and the roads were a little icy. As they were getting onto the highway, their car slipped and ran into a semi-truck. It killed all three of them. The three of them wake up together in heaven. They notice an angel standing over them and one of them asks "Where are we?". The angels says: "Congratulations, you made it to heaven". The angel decides to show them around the place and starts at a banquet. "Here is a banquet for you three to enjoy, you've earned it". Chester looks a little sad, and Earl notices and asks him, "What's wrong?". Chester finally speaks up, "Okay, this is so nice of you to put together, but we're on a diet. I wouldn't want to overdo my calorie intake for the day". The angle replies to them, "No worries, you can have as much food as you like without worrying about it". The guys are elated by that news, when the angel decides to show them another place. Next, the angel decides to show them a place where they can spend time having fun. He shows them to a massive building with games everywhere you look. There are at least 50 pool tables, 30 bowling alley lanes, people are playing poker, there are arcade games everywhere, and tons of people enjoying themselves. He tells them, "This is where you may spend much of your time, if you choose. Many people enjoy it here and you might find some new friends". The guys really like this room, but Earl notices that Chester is looking sad again. Earls asks him, "What's wrong?". Chester responds with, "My wife left me because of my gambling problems, I don't want to disappoint anyone else because of it. I'm afraid I wont be able to enjoy this area". The angel then slightly irritated lets him know, "Don't you see? There are no problems here. You don't have to worry about gambling issues, because money isn't an issue here". Chester is especially happy to hear that news, and the angel decides to show them where they are going to live. The angel finally takes them to the third place, and it is a huge mansion. The guys are led inside, when the angel says, "This is where you three can live, if you choose to. Otherwise we have some other mansions, if you want to live alone". The guys are very intrigued by the house, they notice a big window on a wall with an amazing view. They could see for at least 5 miles clearly. They all can't help but gasp when looking through the window. Earl can't help but be concerned about this place. He decides to ask, "So, uh… What's the rent here?". The angel looks back at them with an irritated glare are replies "Nothing? It's free". Earl is sure to thank the angel and says, "Wow! That's so kind of you guys!". Bert notices that Chester is looking a little sad. Bert says, "What's wrong Chester? Isn't it amazing here?". Chester looks up, looks Bert in the eye and says a little mad, "If it weren't for your goddamn diet. Bert. We could've been here 20 years ago!".
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.
That way you're a mile away, and you have his shoes.
You Matter!
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy…
What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood?
The spaghetto
Where did the hacker go?
I donβt know he ransomware.