My mom actually agreed and laughed at this
A man and his wife are at a restaurant…
The wife leaves for the bathroom and a short while later the waiter arrives. 'what would you like sir?' he asks. 'I'll have the steak, but my wife is using the restroom at the minute', the man replies. 'oh, well, do you know what she's having?' The man replies, 'well it's been about 10 minutes so I'd say a shit'
Why do people carry umbrellas?
Because umbrellas can't walk.
Elevators are a lot like urinals
Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.
Why is “the mall” called “the mall?”
Because you don't just shop at one store, you shop at THEM-ALL
Why don’t airline pilots get speeding tickets?
Because they are above the law.
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.” My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?” To which the German boy replies, “Of course.” "How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father. “Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”
A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.
The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople. The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face. After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin. The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.” The man asks, “Why not?” And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
I’m trying to write an unoffical Harry Potter book about Platform 9 and 3/4
But I feel like I'm hitting a wall
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.
“Using three words…” said my personal trainer. “How would you define your body?”
I said, "In a gym."
After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils; they dilate.
Today I told my girlfriend her eyebrows were drawn too high
She seemed surprised.
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances
I said: "There's the door"
The creator of the throat lozenge has died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step.
I think I’m being stalked.
CSI Alabama was a failure . . .
. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.
I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered…
that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.
I wanted to post a joke about sodium
But then I was like Na, people wont understand.
You’re gonna need to read this a few times
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of "in" is.
I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches…
Whatever you do, do NOT carry them in your back pocket…
I was sexually active at 12
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me
A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head sweetly. “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
When my wife was in labour, I tried to distract her by telling terrible jokes, but it didn’t work.
It must have been the delivery.
The most corrupt president in American history. Also pictured: Richard Nixon.
https://ift.tt/2qIn6m2
I took the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t seem to have too much of a case.”
Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke." So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become. The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"