My mom grumbled, “I’m not happy with your report card!” Meekly, I replied, “Okay.” She demanded, “I want more As!!!” I relented…
“OKAAAAAAAAAY!!!!"
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
I’m not addicted to cocaine.
I just like the way it smells.
There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.
My wife’s 32 today but I’m only allowed to celebrate my wife’s birthday for half a minute
After all it is her thirty second birthday
I’m thinking of removing my spine
It's only holding me back.
My brother said, “What rhymes with Orange”
I told him no it doesn’t
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?[NSFW]
Smallpox HAPPY TURKEY DAY!
if 666 is all evil
then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil
So many people complain about how much money it is to fill up their car with gas.
I save money by filling up just the tank.
Why did the fisherman cross the road?
Just for the Halibut
Her: I’m leaving you because you’re too cocky.
Him: Close the door on your way back in.
My work has just hired an Australian IT expert
He comes from a LAN down under
A new strain of lice is going around that is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
He said, “No, it kills them.”
My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over
I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.
What do you call a car that’s covered in leaves?
An Autumnobile
I went to the gym almost every day this week
I almost went on Monday, I almost went on Tuesday, I almost went on Wednesday, I almost went on Thursday, I almost went on Friday, I almost went on Saturday and I almost went on Sunday.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle
I responded, “That’s not right.” With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle. “Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”
What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?
They don’t hang themselves. Happy Halloween
I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.
I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.
I’ve learned 99% of the English language.
I'm almost their.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: …
"You have perfect eyesight."
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with.. But I was trippin all day!
I don’t trust stairs.
They're always up to something.
Why did Shakespeare always write using a pen?
Pencils confused him…2B or not 2B?
Whenever I undress in my bathroom,
my shower gets turned on.
I got a root vegetable stuck in my eat and when i went to the hospital they ignored me!
It's like they didn't carrot all.
An Englishman, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"
Bigly missing someone who sounds like they have more than a third grade education.
https://ift.tt/2wDJ50J
Bob was in trouble.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.