My mom sent me this one and unironically said it might as well be true nowadays…
I can cut wood by looking at it
I saw it with my own eyes
I can cut a log in half just by looking at it
It's not impossible, I saw it with my own two eyes.
What did the arm wrestler who won the tournament say to the other wrestlers ?
I had the upper hand
![We are all [synonym for socialists] on this blessed day](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/pyzao67ro1o41-400x267.jpg)
My friend is trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.
He makes some really good points.
NSFW – A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied…………"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
Why does Oedipus never curse?
He kisses his mother with that mouth.
A man came up to me and said “Man, your clothes look gay”.
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
What is Hitler’s favorite Videogame ?
Mein Kraft
My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m at the pub.”
She said, “I think the baby is coming” Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.
I’m reading a book about anti gravity
I can't put it down
Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
And then they call me ugly and poor.
I have a fear of speed bumps…
…but I'm slowly getting over them.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Imagine the titanic with a lisp..
It’s unthinkable
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
What do you call a police officer in bed?
An undercover cop.
A man rushes into the doctors’ office and screams, “Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those ‘do not eat’ packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?” The doctor tries to relax him by saying, “Well, everyone is going to die eventually.”
The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"
The U.S. Army is full of crybabies
That’s why we also call them the Infantry.
These days you can’t even say “blackboard” anymore.
The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."
A guy walks into a bar and orders a punch
The bartender says “Sir, if you wanna punch, you gotta get in line.” The guy looks around but there is no punch line
The parade has been on for more than 1.5 minutes and now I’m confused…
… because at the beginning, the announcer clearly said "Welcome to the 90-second Thanksgiving Day parade!"
I have a scary joke about math, but I’m 2² to say it.
No text found
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail.
He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh at him and say"That's a girl's name!" Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry.
I keep asking what does LGBT mean
I can’t even get a straight answer
I recently opened a restaurant.
I guess you could call me an Entrée-preneur
If a woman from Cuba marries a man from Iceland
Are their children called ice cubes?
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower usually gets turned on.
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?". "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks over at the bottle and says, "Jesus christ! He's done it again!"
I broke my finger today
On the other hand, I’m ok
