my mom shared this on facebook
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with your point of view..
But I can see where you are coming from.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: ‘Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!’
She was watching our wedding video again.
Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
What did the picture tell the lawyer?
Help! I’ve been framed.
Why do space rocks taste better than earth rocks?
They’re a little meteor.
How do you say ‘sup dawg’ in Japanese?
Konichihuahua
I went to a zoo that only had a bunch of pandas
The whole zoo was just one big embarrassment
Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger
are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of." Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been three times. I wish I could be taken seriously as an actor." They think about it for a few minutes, and Stallone says, "We should do a serious film. A historical." Arnold grins his huge toothy grin, immediately warming to the idea. "A period piece. That's a great way for our acting comebacks to be taken seriously." Stallone, as the film auteur, keeps working on it. "We want people to be emotionally affected by it. Music really moves people. Can we do something about music?" Schwarzenegger agrees. "We could do classical music. You're Italian; you could play an Italian composer." Sylvester says, "I'll play Vivaldi!" Arnold Schwarzenegger says, "I'll be Bach."
My therapist says I’m obsessed with vengeance
I’ll show him!
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that’s not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it.
What’s big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
The Pacific Ocean
Why is your nose is the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
Donald Trump
[removed]
I’ve got a memory of an elephant.
I remember when I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
Why doesn’t anybody in Antarctica have covid?
Because they are ice-o-lating
[NSFW] A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a deserted island.
They're there for several years, until one day the man gets desperate, takes off his trousers, and tries to mount the pig. The dog, however, starts growling at him and baring its teeth, so he stops. A few weeks later he tries again, but this time the dog bites him on the arm until he stops. Later, a beautiful woman washes up on the beach. The man nurses her back to health and provides her food. One day, she asks if there's anything she can do for him." "Anything?" "Anything." "Well there was one thing." "Oh? What was it?" "Can you take that fucking dog for a walk?"
Which Disney Park ride has the most area for people to wait?
Space Mountain.
Two satellites decided to get married
The wedding wasn't that good but the reception-amazing
What did Adam say to Eve the night before Christmas?
It’s Christmas Eve. (I’ll let myself out…)
“Dad, can you do my math homework for me?” “No son, it wouldn’t be right.”
"Well, at least you could try."
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For 100 dollars, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
I don’t know why marvel hasn’t tried to advertise on the hulk.
He’s a giant banner after all.
Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead
Just got offered a job as a Waiter
It's probably because I can bring a lot to the table.
Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers “Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
The old lady fell in a deep hole in the ground.
She couldn’t see that well.
Cascading opinion
Because downvotes are very offensive.
They finally invented a golf ball that uses GPS signal to locate the hole, and then roll in.
Just dont put it your back pocket.
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
My new welcome mat is made of hemp
It’s a gateway rug
