My mom texted this to my dad
When I was in kindergarten, I was so caught up in learning the names of all the numbers that I memorized them out of order.
I couldn't see the fours for the threes.
My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
Halloween teens Party
A young boy walks into a Halloween teen party with no shirt on, only wearing a pair of loose jeans. The host says, “Well, , this is a costume party.” The young boy responds, “I’m in costume. I’m a premature ejaculation.” The host asks, “how’s that?” “I just came in my pants.”
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh
Nothing, it's on the house Edit: found out I accidentally reposted. Sorry people but happy holidays
Somebody stole my mood ring…
I still don't know how I feel about that.
My furniture and I are really close
My recliner and I go way back.
A married Irishman went into the confessional…
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.” The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?” The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed, naked and rubbed together, but then I stopped.” The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.” The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that, You didn’t put any money in the poor box!” The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!” My mother told this joke… I dont know if its original
What’s the best way to cook an alligator?
In a croc pot.
A girl once said about me “He’s the one!”
Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.
Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, “What are you two arguing about?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.” “You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.
Why are electricians the best journalists?
They are always working on current events.
This is going to be the first year that I haven’t taken a vacation in Paris, because of the pandemic.
Usually it is due to lack of money
A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.
Nobody could control Hispanic.
What do you call 5 fish cut in half?
Tuna half.
My grandfather’s last words were “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down. People were going crazy, throwing money at it. I asked him if he makes a living like that, he said, "Yes, it's my livelihood."
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert
They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
A mentor of mine once told me
that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.
I’m trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I’m having a lot of trouble.
Good players are hard to find.
I just took off my backpack after my very last college final.
Boy, was that a weight off my shoulders. Edit: I actually am finally about to graduate, so I’m happy even if you don’t like my joke!
Game of Thrones Spoiler
Game of Thrones
Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle…
It was an ether/oar situation…
I have come up with a strategy to keep my kids from misbehaving around Christmas time. I keep empty wrapped boxes under the tree and when one of my kids misbehaves, I throw one in the fireplace
The situation changes however, when I run out of children
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods
But it’s harder to deter gents
Just want to say fuck mosquitos and it’s in sight when I see one
Just want to say fuck mosquitos and it’s in sight when I see one
Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you’ll hear Satan.
Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.
What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?
Megasoreass Thanks! I’ll be here the next two months!
Daughter: “Daddy, why didn’t I get a sunburn?”
Dad: “You can’t, honey?” Daughter: “Really?” Dad: “You can only get a daughterburn.”
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar…
Followed by Batman.
How can you tell if an ant is male or female?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, its a girl ant, otherwise its buoyant
People treat me like a god
They ignore my existence unless they need something
I regret not commenting enough in my early years of CS, it’s just a habit of mine now
https://ift.tt/3aw0QNJ
I don’t usually tell Dad jokes,
But when I do, he usually laughs
A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time.”
The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture — soon, he's been on every animal on the farm. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead. The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself." Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."