My mom’s personalized number plate says “IS♥️ED” and we always believed that it was short for “Is Loved.” But then my dad had to ruin it for us all when he said it meant:

Man: "Doc, what on Earth are you saying?”, clearly shocked. “What can I do to live at least a little longer?" Doc: "Well, do you eat greasy and fried food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I'll do it!" Doc: "Do you drink sodas and eat fast food?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, okay." Doc: "Do you stay up late?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I shall." Doc: "Do you have sex often?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, then I’ll do that too." Doc: "Do you smoke?" Man: "Yes." Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "If it allows me to live longer, I will." Doc: "Do you drink?" Man: "Yes…" Doc: "You must stop!" Man: "OK doctor, but you didn’t tell me, if I do all the things you told me to do, how much longer will I live?" Doc: "You will still live for a week… but it will seem like a century.

Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?" Seller: "You mean a choir?" Buyer: *visibly frustrated* "Fine, how much does it cost to acquire a singing ensemble?"

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for 100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. "We're going from car to car, collecting donations" The driver asks "How much is everyone giving?" The man replies, "Roughly a gallon"

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?" "For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies. "That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony. He extends his hand and says "Shake!" The pony promptly performs the trick. The man produces another dollar. "Play dead!" The pony collapses to the ground, then gets up after a little while. "How about a tougher one?" the man says and puts another dollar in the jar. "What's eleven minus five?" The pony stomps with a hoove six times. "This is incredible" he exclaims. The guy continues to add dollar after dollar to the jar while the pony performs every trick or task without a fault. After a while the guy runs out of single dollar bills and turns to the man and says: "Sir, that is one incredible animal you have there, is there anything it can't do?" "He can't sing" the man replies. The guy considers this for a bit. "Why can't he sing" the guy asks. The man looks him in the eye. "He's a little horse."

Well, it's not hard.

Friends.

The first, wielding a sword, attacked the massive lady-beast head on but was quickly dispatched. The 2nd, wielding a flail was picked up and thrown across the arena like a toy. The 3rd warrior knew he could not defeat the troll by conventional means and with that, he charged at the troll as fast as he could, slid between her thighs and aggressively performed oral sex on her. The crowd cheered as the trolls knees buckled and her body shivered. The other two warriors brushed themselves off and ran over to provide aid but found that the troll had been rendered defenseless. The first warrior watched the crowd and then began to shout: "We are warriors!" "We are heroes!" And as he looked upon the 3rd warrior wiping his chin with his sleeve, he smiled and shouted: "But above all! WE ARE GLADIATOR!"

The brunette tells them, "I found cigarettes in my daughter's room, I can't believe she smokes! " The red head said, "I know, I found some beer in my daughter's room. I couldn't believe it! " The blonde says "That's nothing! I found condoms in my daughter's room. I never knew she had a penis! "

He must have realised that marriage counted as a union

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer. “No, I always give 110%”

R I P

He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning." I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.

Me: What's the bad news? Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live. Me: Then what's the worse news!? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. ​ To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. ​ So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. ​ In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without). ​ He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note: ​ "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

Livers are important.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

I think they nailed it.

The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

How mean.

…it’s still syncing.

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day they are having sex and she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says"oh no! What should we do?!" she says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the livingroom!" Once they're in the livingroom she starts sprinkling baby powder all over him. He says "what are you doing?" She says "I'm making you white like a statue,just stand in and pose,my husband will never know you're real, he's stupid!" Her husband comes in and sees them and says to her "whats that?" She says "Well, me and Mrs. Johnson next door went shopping today. She has one just like it. I liked hers so much she took me to get one." He shrugs it off and goes about his business. That night the boyfriend is still standing in the livingroom in that pose too afraid to escape. He hears the husband wake up and open the bedroom door. The husband walks past him, opens the fridge, pops open a beer and makes a bologna sandwich. He then walks up to the boyfriend and hands him the beer and sandwich and says "Here, I was next door at Mrs.Johnson's house stuck in that position for 2 days and no one gave me anything to eat."

They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday. Celebrating their white lie they had another big night out and headed back on Monday. When they got back on campus Tuesday they went and saw their professor and she asked if they were all right, thanked them for letting her know ahead of time, and told them to get ready for the test. Inwardly laughing they were separated into four separate rooms so as not to cheat. All four flipped over the sheet and saw only two questions: For 5% credit, what does DSM stand for in the DSM-5? For 95% credit, which tire went flat?

Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.

Scene: I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid night. Story: With the heat and humidity I was finding it very hard to sleep, and had taken to watching some Japanese horror flicks on my laptop to kill some time. I had my headphones on since I needed to open all the bedroom windows (thanks to the heat) and I didn't want to disturb my neighbours. At a poignant part of the story in the movie, I could hear over the sound track a slow rhythmic masculine groan. After about a minute of confusion I realised that some of my neighbours were enjoying some casual coital union. The rhythmic groan picked up in frequency and amplitude, and was soon offset with his partners feminine "yes"es. Needless to say, I was no longer watching my horror movie and I was laughing hysterically, yet quietly, at this point into my pillow. Quickly their coital activities got to a point of "fever pitch" where the male neighbour announced, "I'm gonna cum, I'm gonna cum!" to which the female neighbour demands he "wait, and cum on my face!". Cue a series of climatic groaning and other such sounds of affirmation. Job done, the female announces that she's heading off to have a shower (good call) and goes to the bathroom to do so. All the windows are open it seems, as one can hear all the associated sounds of a shower hard earned. Upon her arrival back into the bedroom the female scolds her counterpart for lighting up and enjoying a cigarette in her absence, stating "Dammit you know that ciggie smoke irritates my sinuses!". Shortly after this statement, she sneezes loudly and impressively. At this point I turn towards my open window and say in a nice loud voice "Bless you!"… ..Silence… …An embarrassed scream. …And a Guinness World Record attempt in the number of windows closed in the shortest period of time possible. I nearly pissed myself laughing.