My money
I just found out i’m colourblind
The diagnosis came out of the purple
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
My 10yo boy seriously thought I’m an atheist.
Because I was born in the 80's and that makes me an eightieist. //I'm not making this up.
What has two butts and kills people
An assassin
Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.”
The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
Has anyone checked on Oklahoma recently?
I want to make sure they're still OK
I gave up my seat in the bus for a blind person.
That is how i lost my job as a bus driver.
I had a silver dollar, but then my dog got a hold of it.
Now I have a bitcoin.
I once told a joke…
… about Chinese people and the Corona Virus. An overly sensitive and overweight female co-worker said that just because I'm Asian, doesn't mean that the joke wasn't racist… I asked her, "So if i tell a race joke, does it mean I'm a racist?" She responded, "Yes, telling a joke based on a race makes you a racist!" I then asked, "What if i told a fat joke? Would that make me a fatist?" She thought for a while before replying… "Well, yes… that would make you a fatist…" I looked at her and replied, "No, you're the fattest!"
What is the phobia of chainsaws called?
Common Sense
A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and respect.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la.
How did the pharaoh get so rich?
He was running a huge pyramid scheme.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How do you eat with that thing?"
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
What did the painter say after his vehicle was stolen?
Where’d the Van Gogh?
I don’t want to Spoonfeed…
but I like my words to be spelt in reverse alphabetical order.
Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.
He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.
I have a fear of speed bumps…
…but I'm slowly getting over them.
My son asked me for $100 in bitcoins.
I said, "$9 in bitcoins, why would you want $67 in bitcoins?"
A year ago when I joined Reddit I threw a boomerang to celebrate
I now live in constant fear
So i stubbed my toe this morning…
My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed
To be quite honest, I’m not liking this sub at all…
I should have gone to Wendy's instead.
Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.
If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.
I reported a bug for a game that came out yesterday, the cause had me laughing so hard
https://ift.tt/2LJIXR8
All the girls in a classroom were upset by Little Eddy!
After months of enduring his foul language and sexual innuendoes in class, the girls decide to walk out of the class in protest in case Eddy says anything sexual or offensive. Class starts and the teacher says: "OK kids, today's subject will be buildings and construction. Who can tell me how buildings are made?" The class remains quiet, then little Eddy raises his hand and says "Madam, I know". The teacher says, "OK Eddy, please explain." Eddy: "Well, first before anything you need a permit from the city for the construction project to begin, that could take months. Once you get the permit, then come the bulldozers to basically dig into the earth to create the foundation. Then, cement is poured into the foundation and pylons are inserted. Around the pylons, the outer structure of the building is made, floors, walls, ceilings.Then comes wiring and plumbing. Next drywall can be installed along with flooring and fixtures. When all is said and done, you still have to get an occupancy permit from the city before you can actually use the building. The class remains quiet. The teacher says: WOW Eddy! Bravo, that was amazing, how did you learn all that? Eddy: For the past many months, just a few doors down from our house, they have been building what I think is a huge whore house, I've watched the whole thing from start to finish. At that moment, all the girls suddenly get up and start to walk out. Eddy looks around and says: Woah woah woah, girls sit down, they are still waiting for the permit!
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper that way.
A brother hits his sister in the eye with a pool noodle.
It was an accident but the girl gets a really nasty black eye. So the next day the girl gets to tell to all her friends about it and blames the brother. The brother doesn’t like the unwarranted attention. He goes to his father and tells him he doesn’t like his sister telling everyone he hit her. The father finds it reasonable and tells the sister not to tell people about it as it is embarrassing the brother. The next day she goes to school and the teacher notices the black eye. The teacher goes up to girl and asks if she is alright. The girl responds that she is fine. The teacher then asks how she got such a nasty black eye. The sister responds, “My father told me not to say.”
You know what I hate about cliffhangers?
Find out next week on r/jokes
I got an email that said “You have won £36,769,011. To complete the transaction we will need your bank details.”
"Certainly," I replied. "It's a big building with money inside."
As a doctor I never made a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
Gordan Ramsey was walking down the road and saw a dog.
He bent down to pet it, and screamed "it's fucking r/aww!"
Why wouldn’t the oyster give up her pearl?
She was shellfish.