My mop looks like Einstein:)
He is disqualified
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
He didn’t stand a chance against all 5 of us
Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old
Those are the years you’re in your prime
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
…makes the game Monopoly.
Ba dum tss
I said, “Awesome. What type is it?” He said, “ Two thirty.”
…ignoring my existence until they need something.
I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions.
.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.
When I was a young man in in Army Cadets, we had big ornamental robot that we called ‘old-iron-sides’ with a big brass bugle that would play all the calls to the troops. In the morning it would play ‘reveille’ to wake, ‘mess call’ for meals, ‘drill call’ to assemble in the square, etc. We all got so used to these queues that we relied to them to know what to do at each time of the day. Until one day iron robot was silent and everyone was disoriented, not knowing when to get up, go eat or start a drill. Finally, I went to ask my commanding officer why there were no calls. He said “He’s taking a vacation day”. So I guess it was the Ferrous Bugler's day off.
The length of the pause.
but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon
They're both cauldron
I can still drink from the bottle
My boss still didn’t think a spacesuit was “appropriate work attire”.
me: No, I kinda just lie there. wife: THIS- [takes off doctor costume] this is why we never role play anymore!
We were watching a documentary on African wildlife, and my son asked me, “Is it difficult to spot cheetahs?”
Me: No, I think they come that way.
My construction company failed after a competitor started a viscous rumor that I build houses without a foundation
It was a baseless accusation
That's me in the corner.
He wanted to be a sue chef.
So they can let me down one last time.
Some weeks later, she invited him and her daughter over for dinner and in an attempt to impress his mother-in-law, the son-in-law wore one of the ties she’d sent him. The meal was extremely tense and uncomfortable with the mother-in-law maintaining a stony silence. Finally she spoke, “Alright then, what was wrong with the other tie?”
Do. Do hash. Do hash browns. Do hash browns sound good. Do hash browns sound good.
Well that’s a different story.
I saw last night. He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FU*K ME" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.
After all, they’re still stuck in the last decade
The former is a ladder, while the latter is a former.
They use paws!
I shouted back, “That’s a weird way to start a conversation!”