My mother finds this hilarious and forwards it to all our family groups
TIL why nurses always carry red crayons…
It's in case they have to draw blood…
Well Trumpy you’ve got 402,000+ people to visit and “embrace” atm. Better get on it.
https://ift.tt/39ORxHL
What’s the best time of day?
6:30. Hands down.
I’ve been accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.
They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday. Celebrating their white lie they had another big night out and headed back on Monday. When they got back on campus Tuesday they went and saw their professor and she asked if they were all right, thanked them for letting her know ahead of time, and told them to get ready for the test. Inwardly laughing they were separated into four separate rooms so as not to cheat. All four flipped over the sheet and saw only two questions: For 5% credit, what does DSM stand for in the DSM-5? For 95% credit, which tire went flat?
I had sex with a blind girl yesterday
She said, “You have the biggest penis I’ve ever put my hands on.” I said, “Nah. Your just pulling my leg.”
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..
..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British". One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Abimbola Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Abimbola has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."
I was on the motorway and desperate for a wee.
"Quick, pass me your bottle!" I told my son, grabbing my crotch. Bloody useless that boy. He just sat there crying in his car seat.
How come Michael Jackson sings so high?
He used HeHelium
I’m reading a book titled “The Stockholm Syndrome.”
I hated it at first, but now I love it.
“They’re just doing their jobs, we don’t know what happened before the incident”
https://ift.tt/2XDVY5z
A naive and beautiful young girl is walking along the street in the countryside.
A naive, beautiful, conservatively dressed young girl is walking along the street in the countryside. A man, wearing sunglasses and driving a sport car stops by: "do you need a lift?" She's intimidated by the sport car and the confident demeanour of this man, but she accepts, and they start getting to know each other. "it's very nice that you pick me up in such a car. it's a long way home from here" "it's a pleasure babe". "what do you do?" she asks "I'm a DJ and speaker at the radio" he answers. She's delighted: "oh really? It's so cool. I always listen to the radio. Do you also have those show with song requests for birthdays?" "yes, I do those kind of shows, we receive song requests for birthdays. Have you ever tried?" Embarrassing silence follows. Somethings is in her head, and she gains courage to say it: "well you see… I always wanted to call and request a song, but I heard it's always hard to get a place, there's a lot of people requesting… and I sort of don't know how this kind of things work, maybe I have to speak live and then don't know what to say. But I always wanted to do it… today is also my little sister's birthday…" "well, babe, we could change this, don't you think? She'd be very happy, and you too" wink wink He starts to sort of take a long route, apparently driving where no one can see, his intentions are clear. "where are we going?" "you see, babe, you could do something for me, and maybe I could get you a fast lane to do what you want for your sister's birthday…" She starts getting it, but she is not sure, the situation is so intimidating, but also exciting, and she sort of want to do it – for her dear sister. He parks the car in the middle of nowhere, stops the engine, and starts unzipping his jeans. She is scared, doesn't know what to do, it's all so new. "what worries you, babe?" "Well you see I've never done this sort of things, I'm embarrassed, I'm just a girl from the countryside, I… I don't really know if…" He knows his way in reassuring a scared woman: "don't worry babe, you'll be fine, there's nothing you can do wrong, just be yourself. Think of your sister. you'll make her day" He proceeds to take his genitals out. She freaks out internally, but thinks to herself "whatever, I'll do it for her". She looks into his eyes, he looks into her eyes, reassuring and firm. She starts to get her mouth close to his penis. She opens her mouth: "Hello, I want to dedicate the next song to my sister for her birthday, it's a very special day and I love her with all my heart and …"
If I had 50 cents for every time I failed a math test,
I'd have $7.20 right now.
Why did the jalapeño ask for the window to be closed?
He was a little chilly.
If I got $1 every time a woman said I was’t her type
I'd be her type.
Why did the pig cross the road?
Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op
What do you call a crocodile that is a detective?
An investi-gator
Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.
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Why should you NEVER ask Rick Ashley for his complete collection of Pixar movies?
Because, he’s never going to give you Up! Told by Siri on my HomePod
So what if I don’t know what “apocalypse” means.
It's not like it's the end of the world
A wife goes to her husband and says…
"My birthday is next week. I want something shiny and new that goes from 0 – 300 in 2 seconds." So her husband bought her a bathroom scale.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
Where does a horse go when it gets sick?
The horse-pital Just kidding it gets shot
a communist joke isn‘t funny until every one gets it. ..
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I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.
I think I’m being stalked.
I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they’re terrible.
I think it's flabbercasting.
A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in.
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?" Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter. Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!". The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
Mr and Mrs Wong were expecting their first child.
When the baby was born. Mr Wong was shocked to see it was white and not a bit Chinese looking. "No no no" he said "two wongs don't make a white"
What do you call a Communist sniper?
A Marx-man
I finally realized that my wife left me because of my obsession with reducing fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
A man walks into a bar…
then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender. He says “you’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who pissed in your sax!”
Why did the soda factory worker quit his job?
It was too much fizzical labor.
I went out with a girl who reminded me of a plate.
She was a dish
What do you call a 200 year old buffalo?
A bison-tennial.
I made a chicken salad today.
Stupid bird wasn’t even grateful.
I tried to buy tornado insurance for my camp site, but the company refused.
They said, “If your tents get blown over, you won’t be covered.”