My mother is an otolaryngologist… She always nose what she is doing.
Two Irish men walk out of a bar
Yes, it happens
Hi everyone 24(F) here
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
FOR SALE, Broken Quiz Machine
No Questions asked
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…
and I thought to myself, "Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he's also a terrible driver."
A lot of conflict in the Wild West….
….could have been avoided completely if cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Why should you never buy a dog from a blacksmith???
Because as soon as you take the dog home it makes a bolt for the door.
Did you hear about the mechanic that was caught having sex with car parts?
He got off with a suspension.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. “Do you mind waiting for a bit?” The manager asked. “Not at all” I replied.
“Good, take these lasagnas to table 6” he said.
I’ve discovered the optimal way to survive the great 2020 toilet paper pandemic
Just stop giving a shit
An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.
The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lord. » The imam replies: « Now that’s very clever! I actually have a similar process. What I do at first is take the money and place myself at my mosque’s entrance with one foot outside and the other one inside. Then I throw the money up in the air and what falls outside is for me while the money that falls inside is for Allah » The priest nods his head with approval at the imam’s explanation. The rabbi who looks clearly offended by both their explanations says: « I can’t even begin to believe what I’m hearing! How dare you do such a thing!? And you call yourselves men of faith! I’d never resort to the use of fancy shmancy theatrics to determine how the money is divided between God and me! All I do is take the money, throw it up in the air and whatever god needs he takes while what’s left is mine.
My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues.
I think she’s in love with me.
What do you call a one-armed karate man?
A partial artist!
Why did Ross Geller from Friends drown?
He wasn’t a good Schwimmer.
After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to his house for a party.
It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.
Why does society seem to hate lazy people?
They didn't even do anything.
I thought it was a booger
But it snot.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the no bell prize.
Whatdya call someone drowning in mayonnaise ?????????
Sinko de mayo !!!!!!!
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
What did the copper say to the scientist who was going back home
Cu Tips of to my classmate for telling me this
I’ll let you have this roof for free
It's on the house
A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
“What’s wrong with him?” he asks his assistant. “He came in for some cough syrup,” the assistant explains “but I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead”. “What?!” the chemist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!” “Of course you can,” the assistant declares. “Look at him – he’s far too scared to cough.”
Did you hear about the band 1023 MB?
They’re good, but they haven’t got a gig yet.
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods…
…but it’s harder to deter gents
When I get into the shower naked
The shower gets turned on.
My mom just told me, “ Don’t forget that tomorrow is Mother’s Day.”
I said, “Remember, it’s also son day.”
During the quarantine, my 4 year old has been learning Spanish. Yet, he still can’t say please.
Which I think is poor for four.
My wife was mad at me because she said I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right
Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels.
I’ve been working on it tirelessly.
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes…
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each, before they are given their lives back. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. Slurring his words out of a misshapen mouth, he says "I want to be gorgeous," And so God snaps His fingers, and -boom!- he’s gorgeous. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line hears everyone else’s wish and starts laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
How does the KKK brew Whiskey?
In a Cracker Barrel.
What do you call a sad coffee?
Despresso
A horse walks into a bar.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?” The horse ponders for a minute and responds, “I don’t think I am.” And poof he disappears. This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, “ I think therefore I am.” But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
What’s a bowlers favorite kind of vegetable?
A spare I guess
