My mother posted this to her husband.
What do you call a cage filled with Quarters, Dimes, and Pennies?
Nickel-less Cage!
Did you know that Iceland…
…is only one sea away from Ireland?
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code
I tell it in the wrong order.
Why am i bad at telling jokes?
What does 6.9 mean?
Just another good thing ruined by period.
Why did the sperm cross the road
I put on the wrong sock this morning.
Some years after the flood, Noah wanted to sail again
Unfortunately, he didn't remember where he arked.
My daughter pointed at a spear and said “daddy look it’s sharp”
I replied with “that’s the point”
I finally understood Einstein’s theory of relativity.
It was about time.
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more and they would get too farty
Endgame Joke
At the end of the film, Tony Says "I am Ironman" The line should have been "Hi Inevitable, I'm Dad"
A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant.
But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
If you die from inhaling muffler fumes…
Do you die from exhaustion?
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers, I mean you don’t see medical students calling themselves doctors…
Or art students calling themselves unemployed.
I asked what LGBTQ meant..
I couldn’t get a straight answer.
This is a Fibonacci joke.
Its worse than the last two jokes you heard, combined.
How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?
Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.
What’s the suicide bomber’s worst fear?
Dying alone.
I made this fake boomer comic to mock people/boomers looking down on digital art
https://ift.tt/2JrUKmh
People keep saying today is pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
A man came home to discover that someone had stolen all his lamps.
He was delighted.
The meaning of life
On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years…' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But the man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Who decided to call them “murder hornets”
and not “buzzkills”?
Idea
Could the r/dankmemes reddit be banning non europeans just as a dank meme?
A child asked his father “Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?”
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
My astrology teacher asked me about my horoscope.
I said, "I'm not too fussy as long as it doesn't have ghosts in."
Who delivers Christmas gifts to lobsters?
Santa Claws
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for Christmas?
Because he felt his presents…
The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.
As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up. As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns to him and says, "Sir, unfortunately, this is a very small helicopter, and we only have room for one more person. Who should we rescue?" The President peers over the edge of the chopper, at his closest allies down below. Among them are the Secretary of State, the Chief of Staff, and the National Security Adviser. By now, they are on the verge of being overwhelmed by the stormy sea, and whoever is left behind will certainly drown before more help arrives. He looks from one face to the next, before finally shaking his head in resignation, unable to choose who to save. "I'm too tired, son. Do what you think is best for the Nation." "Sir, yes sir!" The Soldier gives a sharp salute, before pushing the President back into the raging ocean and flying away.
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a prison guard?
one watches cells and one sells watches
Why did the banker push down the old lady
He was checking her balance
