My mum sent me this
Why don’t ants catch colds?
They have tiny anty bodies.
I found a box of discarded calculators and I just had to rescue them because…
Every calculator counts.
What do you call a male Mummy with a cold?
I'm not sure either. Sir Cough I guess.
I’m going to rewrite history
History
Why do Jewish men have to be circumsized?
Because a Jewish woman wonโt touch anything unless itโs 20% off.
I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick
He was a very poorly executed character
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer and so on and so forth. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie.
If I were American, I’d vote Bernie…
But I'm Russian, so I'm voting Trump
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they donโt speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase โsecure the buildingโ. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
My grandma isnโt a fan of her new stairlift.
She says it drives her up the wall.
My wife asked why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid that Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
A doctor, a priest and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
People say that being a hostage is hard, but I donโt agree.
I can do that with my hands tied behind my back.
My wife said I should take out the spider instead of killing it.
I'm glad I did. We went out. Had a few drinks. Overall good guy. He's a web designer.
What do you call a participation trophy in astronomy?
A constellation prize.
As a child, I was abused by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
I wrote a song about a tortilla
Actually, it's more of a wrap.
The doctor gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE A FOOT!
250 dogs escaped from the SPCA
Police are following a number of leads.
What did the cowboy say when he was reborn?
What incarnation?!
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
When a women is giving birth, sheโs literally kidding.
No text found
How does the moon cut his hair.
Eclipse it
My son came up to me today
My son came up to me and said, โcan I have a bookmark?โ I started crying, 10 years and he still doesnโt know my name is brad.
Due to the Covid crisis, the Indian bakery in my neighborhood is going through some tough times.
They fired all Naan essential staff.
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
Where do mollusks find books to improve themselves?
The shellf help section.
I saw a frenchmen playing a Wii.
He called it a Yes Box.
What do you call a rodent with a machine gun?
A ratatatatat
My friend Jay just had twins and wants to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time…
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
How do birds communicate?
They Tweet.