My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning…
After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"
Last year i was depressed and miserable,
But this year I've turned it around, I'm miserable and depressed
Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in the lawyer’s office
Lawyer: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is mentally unstable." Mickey: "I didn't say she was unstable… I said she was fucking Goofy."
My son said he wanted to go for a spin in the new car.
So I got all of his old Beyblades out the attic.
A knife tried out for Varsity football
He didn't make the cut.
Does anyone else knock on the fridge before opening the door?
You never know if there may be a salad dressing.
My daughter lost her first tooth today
I bet she won't touch my X- box again !
Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!”
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
Why did the reluctant knight finally decide to join the crusade?
The king offered him a free palace stein
An american farmer visits Germany
In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer. "Are you a farmer?" he asks the man. "Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies. "How big is your farm?" the american enquires. "Well, roughly 20 square miles" the german answers, not knowing where this is going. "Haha, 20 square miles" the american laughs, "Thats cute, do you want to know how big my farm is? When I want to tour my whole farm and get into my car to drive around, it takes me 2 days to come back home" The german looks up from his beer and replies: "Ah yes, I had an american car once aswell"
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
He conditioned it.
Hay bales under a buck
https://ift.tt/2rYyv1i
My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We’ve been married nine years today.
A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall. He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic. The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?" The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
A new strain of lice is going around that is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
Who can drink two litres of Gas?
jerry can.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday
Those were the days
There are three stages of sex after marriage:
Tri-weekly. Try weekly. Try weakly.
Someone once told me I had a nice-ass shirt.
I told them that they can just call it pants.
I’m trying to form a really good pun about yoga, but it isn’t working out.
I know, it was a stretch.
I lost my job at the bank my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
People are offended by the smallest things these days
So please keep your dick in your pants
A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
Did you hear about the dog who chased cars all day? He got exhausted.
But at least he is better off than the guy who was chased by a bus. That guy was tired.
If a mass of beef fat is ‘tallow’, and mass of pig fat is ‘lard’, what is a mass of human fat called?
'American'. Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.
I was attending a noisy legal hearing, and the Judge started yelling, “Order! Order in the courtroom!”
So I said, “A pastrami on rye, please.”
Be Careful Standing On One Leg At The ATM!!!!
Worst way to check your balance. crickets
I don’t understand how Australians can be homophonic.
I mean, G’day is just gay with a d rammed into it.
I used to bang a set of twins…
People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.
Nice new car son.. What’s that thing on the trunk?
No text found
A British man, a Fench man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scared. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
I switched out my bed for a trampoline
Let me tell you that my wife hit the roof when she found out.