My neighbor got busted for growing weed…
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought
But it just ended up being more sluggish.
Really, I was quite lucky my older brother told me about it.
People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn’t believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.
Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.
But they’ll get over it
"I Still Love Easter BABY!"
I just imagine Elon-Gate would be really drawn out….
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are – my – test – results – back?"
Show him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
It's a trap
No text found
Nevermind it's tearable.
…I’m one of them.
"Are you going to keep it?" I asked. She said, "No, it stinks like wee."
Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold! Edit: Wow, this blew up! Thanks for the gold!
Is now a seasoned veteran
Because camping is in tents.
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He’s almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* – So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. “James Fart! James Fart” the bullies used to make him cry…
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself: -I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name! Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation. -Ok, so… your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart… I'm sorry, I just… -I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember. After a long and tedious process, everything is ready. -Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead? -Charles Fart.
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning." I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
B: "If I die, will you find a new boyfriend?" G: "NOOO! I'll never be with another guy, I'll rather go and stay with my sister! What would you do if I die?" B: "I would also stay with your sister"
…I can never tell if they’re joking or not.
It scares the heck out of their dogs!
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax, and then…..” he sighed, “we’ll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”
“They just seem really shady.”
But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
so I tried it. It doesn't.
Son: tears welling up please give me a name dad I'm almost 17
Imagine all the people
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
It was a really unfortunate churn of events.
It made me sad, because I knew it was bread in captivity.
A sentence has a pause at the end of the clause but a cat has claws at the end of its paws