My neighbor keeps building his porch bigger and bigger and at this stage it honestly seems like he’s addicted…
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Back in the day, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns a car and the rich have horses…
My, how the stables have turned!!
Samuel Beckett turned down a lowball offer for one of his plays.
He was waiting for good dough.
I was sexually active at 12
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me
As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office
I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.
Your duck is dead…
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He's now a seasoned veteran.
Why is a leather jacket good for camouflage?
Because it's made of hide
One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you."
A man goes into the confession booth and tells the priest,
“Father, I’m seventy-five years old and last night I made love to two twenty-year-old girls at the same time.” The priest says, “When did you last go to confession?” The man says, “I’ve never been to confession, Father. I’m Jewish.” The priest says, “Then why are you telling me?” The man says, “I’m telling everybody!”
I watched a documentary on mushrooms tonight.
I'll probably watch them all like that from now on.
Percy Jackson, son of the sea God. Did not do well in school.
His grades were below C level.
How Long is a Chinese man’s name.
Yes it is.
It’s crazy how fast milk trucks are driven these days…
One blink and they’ve gone pasteurise.
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
I remember when Mom used to tuck me in
She really wanted a daughter.
Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they’d be be gross, but they were actually pretty good…
Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Me: I’m afraid of the vertical axis.
Therapist: Why? Me: Screams
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had
He started counting but fell asleep.
I come from a long line of wood winds, so I was shocked when my daughter said she wanted to be a percussionist
But thinking back, when I checked her instrument case, the cymbals were always there.
So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…" "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I may be able to save you 10 grand."
What do you call a constipated detective
No shit Sherlock
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
Do you know why dark is written with “k” and not with “c”?
Because you can't see in the dark
Saw this on my way home from work. Must be a one shoed sex worker out there somewhere.
https://ift.tt/2PzOg8J
What was Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAND EEEEEEEEYE!!!….
Whats red and smells like yellow paint
Red paint
Trump and Obama in a Barber Shop
Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."