My neighbor keeps building his porch bigger and bigger and at this stage it honestly seems like he’s addicted…
The other day I told a girl, “You look great without glasses.”
Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.” Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”
I was watching rc plane crashes the other day
They’re better than regular plane crashes, because there’s no loss of life. If you’re flying an rc plane, you never had a life to begin with.
Why was the basketball court wet?
Everyone was dribbling on it.
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
Those damn mooselimbs.
I’ve been having to use lettuce as TP since the Covid craziness
The worst part is the news says this is just the tip of the iceberg and what I need to use as TP tomorrow romaines to be seen. Stay safe kids, Dad
Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant
They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed – service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside. The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in here." The man replies, you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." Skeptical, the manager asks, "your guide dog is a doberman?" The man replies, "you see, a doberman helps protect me against burglars." The manager lets him through. The chihuahua guy sees this and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and walks inside. The manager approaches him and says, "sir, you can't bring your dog in here." The man replies, "you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." The manager, ever so skeptical, asks, "your guide dog is a chihuahua?" The man, quick to think, says, "a chihuahua? They gave me a chihuahua?!?"
My wife asked me if I wanted kids…
I told her, no, but I wouldn't mind playing with the box they came in.
When is the best time to buy a chicken?
When they're going "CHEEP!"
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
BA-DUMM-TSS
Why did the Mexican guy take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
My dad died after no one could remember his blood type for a transfusion
As he was dying he kept telling us "be positive, be positive!" But it's gonna be really hard without him.
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
What do you call someone who doesn’t fart in public?
A private tutor
I think my wife is a time traveler
I've seen that doctors are saying you should avoid close physical contact to stop the spread of coronavirus. Somehow she knew about this years ago.
Did my girlfriend find me sexually unsatisfying?
A small part of me says yes.
Your uncle David just lost his ID
Now you can call him uncle Dav.
What does the clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they have ever seen…
Sorry! I meant to post this somewhere else…
Why should you never buy a dog from a blacksmith???
Because as soon as you take the dog home it makes a bolt for the door.
I tell my wife I’m close to 60,000 Karma on my Reddit, and she says the only Karma I need in my life is her..
I reminded her Karma's a Bitch..
My sister called my dad today to ask if there’s any history of glaucoma on his side of the family.
My dad: “None that I’ve seen!”
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws
Where did the terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, back!
My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.
She said, “You can’t do this to me!” I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”
Guy wakes up in a hospital room, badly beaten within inches of his life.
The doctor is standing over him and asks him what happened. He thinks back. “I was golfing with my wife. She shanked her pink ball into a small cow pasture, just beyond the rough. I went to look for it and finally found it in a cow’s butthole. Last thing I remember is I lifted the tail and shouted ‘HONEY! This looks like yours!!!!’”
Did you hear about the dog who chased cars all day? He got exhausted.
But at least he is better off than the guy who was chased by a bus. That guy was tired.
What do you get if you cross a sheep dog with a daisy?
A Collie-flower!
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat any dinner?
They were already stuffed!
I hate crowds, and just walked into a room full of married people.
Thankfully, there wasn’t a single person in there.
“What’s your wage?” asked my friend.
I said, "It's the amount of money I make."
An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot
When they collided. The old guy says to the young guy. “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.” The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.” The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?” The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”
If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns…
Then you’re looking in Alderaan places
A couple is divorcing in court, and they are fighting for custody of their only child:
The woman tries to pity the judge: -Judge, I carried this child 9 months in my belly, it is the flesh of my flesh and it comes directly to me! The judge is moved and says: -Right mam, but now, lets listen to your husband's arguments. The man prefers to use his pragmatic side, and says: -Judge, when I put my coin in the vending machine,Is the can mine or is it to the machine?
What happens when an artist can’t take criticism?
They take Poland, instead.
The girl I just started dating told me she is Russian
I told her I think we should take things slowly
What is this, some kind of Boomer joke that I’m too Millennial to understand?
https://ift.tt/2H77fSO
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy put his hands in the pockets of his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.” “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.” “The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.” “After that,” the old rich man continued, “I invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on.” “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
Steve Irwin died as he lived.
With animals in his heart.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot.
The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap? "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays the $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar…
As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!” The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.
6:30 is the BEST time on the clock
Hands down
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off
I think I’m being stalked
There’s a guy on boat with two cigarettes and nothing else. How does he light one?
He throws a cigarette off the boat and the boat becomes…a cigarette lighter
