My neighbor sells home security systems door to door. He’s pretty good at it too.
If nobody's home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
Four mates go camping but they all hate to cook. So, they draw straws to see who cooks first. But, they agree that whoever cooks first will keep cooking until someone complains, and then the person that complains will take over cooking duties…
So, Dave draws the short straw and cooks on the first night. He puts in some effort and the mates are rapturous in their reviews. āAmazingā says John āBest meal everā says Phil āI wish my wife could cook like thisā says Sam. Dave is flattered but can see that theyāre gaming him. So the next night he puts in no effort at all. āI didnāt think you could top last night but you haveā says John āHave you been taking classes because this is phenomenalā says Phil āKeep cooking like this and Iāll marry youā says Sam. They all laugh but Dave knows that the whole trip will now be him cooking. The third night, Dave takes a dump, rolls it in spices and then fries it. He plates it up and hands out the plates. Johnās teeth are the first to sink into the turd, and as his brain registers what it is, he spits it out and screams, āMy god, this is SHIT!ā He quickly looks at the three faces staring back at him and says ābut beautifully cooked.ā
Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!
He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!" Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my existence for years, taught others I donāt exist and credited my creation to a cosmic accident. Why should I help you?" "It would be hypocritical to ask you to show mercy on me," the atheist agrees. "But perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" At that, the noise of the forest resumes, the river runs, and the bear drops to its knees, brings its paws together, and says, "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Breaking News: Vandals broke into the Origami Museum last night
Will keep you posted as the story unfolds.
āit is what it isā
āit is what it isā
A catholic priest goes on vacation and asks the janitor to run the confessional booth.
J- ā I donāt know how to run the booth though!ā P- ā It is very easy. Just listen to the peopleās sins and refer to the chart of sins on the wall. The chart will say how many Hail Marys the sinner must say for it to be forgivenā The janitor agrees and begins his shift the next day. The first person to walk into the booth is a man. M- ā forgive me father for I have sinned as I have lied to my wifeā The janitor looks at the chart and finds lying J- ā just say 2 Hail Marys and your sin will be forgivenā The next person to walk into the booth is a little boy LB- ā forgive me father for I have sinned as I stole something from the storeā The janitor looks on the chart for stealing and says ā just say 3 Hail Marys and your sin will be forgivenā The next person to walk into the booth is a woman W- ā forgive me father for I have sinned as I cheated on my husband and gave another man a blow jobā The janitor looks on the chart for blow job but he canāt find it. The janitor runs out of the booth in a hurry and sprints into the church. In the church he spots an alter boy. J- āTimmy! Timmy! What does father Nelson usually give for a blow job! ?ā Timmy- ā usually a bag of chips and a can of popā
About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil…
Don't even get me started on baby oil
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy whoās dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "Iām Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and itās the ministerās turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years." St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
My wife told me to stop doing my flamingo impression
I had to put my foot down
What’s the difference between a good joke and
A bad joke timing
The parade has been on for more than 1.5 minutes and now I’m confused…
… because at the beginning, the announcer clearly said "Welcome to the 90-second Thanksgiving Day parade!"
I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth on a gram.
I was – like – 0MG.
Nobody ever asks “How is Coke doing ?”
It's always "Is Pepsi ok ?"
Two cars get into a minor crash, the cars a bit dented, the drivers completely fine…
The Pope gets out of one car and a rabbi gets out of the other. They are tolerant, cultured people and so there is no fight, no cussing. "God giveth, God taketh away", the Pope says. "Things come and things go", the rabbi replies and asks, "Shall we have a drink over our misfortune?" "Don't mind if I do", the Pope says. The rabbi gets a bottle of cognac from his car and pours the Pope and himself a drink. The Pope drinks his cup, but the rabbit does not drink his. "Why aren't you drinking?" the Pope asks. "Me?" the rabbi asks, "I'll wait for the police to show up".
Youāve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for….
Times new ramen!
A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade.
The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?" The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve" The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?" The professor is surprised, but still he agrees, at which point the student then takes out his glass eye – and bites it. The shocked professor then takes the exam back, and marks it 85. The student then says "If I'll bite my nose, will you give me a 90?" The professor is once again shocked, "He can't pull out his nose" he thinks to himself. He finally agrees, at which point the student takes out his dentures, and bites his own nose. The professor then once again takes the exam, and marks the grade 90. The student then makes another offer: "If I'll get up on this table, and pee the perfume Coco Chanel on you, will you give me a 100?" The professor now has to see what this kid can do, so he agrees. The student goes on the table, and pees all over the professor, the professor's shirt is soaking wet, as he goes to to sniff it. "What the hell?! This isn't Coco Chanel! This is piss!" The student then goes "Fine, we'll leave it at 90".
I called the tinnitus help line
It kept ringing
You were named after Adolf Hitler.
He was named first!
A cute girl at work said sheād only go on a date with me on a day that doesnāt end in āYā.
I said, āGreat! Iāll pick you up tomorrow!ā
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.
So today Iām wearing pants to take her to school.
I recently found out the medical name for Viagra
Mycoxaflopin
Rare photo of Melania Trump genuinely smiling. Taken at the roast of Donald Trump.
https://ift.tt/2XXbsk2
I got bored watching the earth turn…
So after 24 hours, I called it a day!
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
What do you call a dinosaur fart?
A blast from the past!
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Fairly Oddparents predicted skibidi toilet?!?!?!?!
Fairly Oddparents predicted skibidi toilet?!?!?!?!
I like the sound of āfiancĆ©ā
It has a ring to it.
“How to make good jokes on reddit to get karma”
Oh shit this isnt google
Why do programmers prefer dark mode?
Because bugs are attracted to light
A mentor of mine once told me
that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.
Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there each being worked on by a different barber not a word was spoken the barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves the one who had trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying 'no way buddy my wife will smell that and think Iāve been in a damn whorehouse. The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'how about you?' Obama replied 'go ahead my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.ā
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
Why were people running towards Finland?
It was a race to the Finnish.
What do an Amsterdam woman and Saudi woman have in common?
They both get stoned after sex