My neighbor shingled my roof for free
He said it was on the house
Chuck Norris caught the coronavirus
but later decided to let it go.
Lightbulbs do not make good meals.
But they're good for a light snack.
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack….
She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Spiderman saves the day with help of a sad joke.
https://ift.tt/32dkF7K
What do you call a participation trophy in astronomy?
A constellation prize.
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening at around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you,” the husband said. “I've been having an affair with my secretary and we had sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
Courtesy of whoever did this originally. I saw the question, and I took the chance.
https://ift.tt/33R4FtB
Therapists only care about one thing
And it’s fu*king discussing
The World’s Greatest Gambler
A man begins to deposit a ridiculous amount of money into his bank. Out of nowhere. Someone takes notice, and after a long and complicated series of accusations and charges the man winds up going to court. He shows up with his defense attorney. The judge asks him bluntly “Sir, how did you come into possession of this money?” The man responds “I am the world’s greatest gambler, and I can prove it.” “Is that so?” The judge asks incredulously “Here, I’ll show you… I bet you $1000 that I can bite my own eye.” “Okay, go for it.” The man removes his glass eye and bites it. The judge is dejected, as he just lost $1000. Still, he’s not sold. “That’s a good trick, but I’m not sure that makes you the world’s greatest gambler.” “Alright… Double or nothing. I can bite my other eye.” The judge reads the man’s face, and can clearly see that he’s not blind. He takes the offer… The man then removes his dentures and presses them down on his other eye. At this point, the judge is torn. The man is an excellent scam artist, without a doubt, but he doesn’t know if that’s enough for him to clear his charges. Plus, he just lost $2000 to him. The judge sits quietly for a moment. The man speaks up again “How about double or nothing again? I bet you that I can do a handstand on one side of your desk and pee into the wastebasket on the other side.” Obviously, this is wildly inappropriate behavior for a courtroom… But we’re talking about $2000. The judge looks back and forth across his desk a couple times, and decides there’s no way he could possibly pull this off. He agrees. So, the man walks up, does a handstand on his desk, and attempts to pee across the desk into the wastebasket. He doesn’t even come close to making it. The judge exclaims “Yes!” The man’s lawyer shouts “No!” And covers his face with his hands. The judge asks “Wait, what’s wrong?” The lawyer says “He bet me $10,000 he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you’d be happy about it.”
My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole
Fair enough it was her sister's but still…
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
My therapist warned me that I am getting addicted to downhill skiing.
She said, “It’s a slippery slope.”
Why did the American start shooting the river?
He learned fish swim in schools
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism!
The curious customer
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?" Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
What do you call an octopus with 4 hearts?
An octopus with 1 extra heart. (It’s a learning joke 😁)
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer
The bartender says sorry, we don't serve food here
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle
Why are Vegans considered as anti-social?
Cause they never meat-up. If there are any vegans reading this please don't start a beef.
Whiteboards are remarkable.
No text found
How do you know if someone is vegan?
They will tell you.
I’ve got an injured extraterrestrial in my garage and he’s missing an eye…
I've named him Alen.
Girls call me ugly till they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it does, no one is shocked.
