My neighbors cows were stolen last night
He beefed up his security
What kind of conversation did the pirate have?
An ARRRgument with his wife
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up?
Because it was two tired.
There’s a nutcase going around our town stabbing people with knitting needles.
Twelve individuals have been attacked in the last 48 hours. The Police have announced that the attacker could be following some kind of pattern
What do fish get high on?
Seaweed
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale
What do cannibals drink in the morning?
A cup of Joe.
The world’s largest egg is laid by the Ostrich…
And the world's largest woman is laid by your dad.
A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. “Wait, don’t chop me down. I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."
What is Forrest Gump’s favorite kind of pasta?
Pen- nay (penne)
Why can’t china play cricket?
they keep eating their bats…
I began reading a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is about to happen; I can feel it.
I walked into a homeware store.
Came out with a jacket made of bricks and some shoes made of marble.
A nun, a priest, and a rabbi…..
are on a sinking ship. They are getting in a lifeboat… Nun: “Shouldn’t we let the children leave first?” Rabbi: “Fuck the children.” Priest: “Do you think we have the time?”
My friend memorized all the amphibians
Now he has toadal recall.
What’s one vegetable you should NEVER bring on a boat?
LEEKS. (my 10yo told me this – he said he thought it up himself.)
Why did Karl Marx only write in lowercase?
Because he hated capitalism.
I’ve decided to sell my roomba,
It was just collecting dust anyway.
Wife: honey I’m pregnant, we’re going to have our first kid
Husband, with tears in his eyes: Hi pregnant, I’m dad
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It's still fowl language
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk…..
…..but I never got the chants.
I messed up the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza”
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia (stolen from tumblr)
Clint Eastwood gets called back from the light at the golf tournament yesterday
https://ift.tt/2Hfy47a
Are people born with a photographic memory?
Or does it take time to develop?
I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.
The fifth was dead Sirius.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
Cardi B has a sister who’s a fitness instructor…
Her name is Cardi O!
I bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
I want to be a mailman, but my friends keep telling me I’ll be terrible at it.
Oops, posted this in the wrong place.
[NSFW] I went to the library and asked the librarian if they had the new book about small penises.
She said “I don’t think it’s in yet.” I replied “Yeah, that’s the one.”
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.
A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whispers, "I have a big penis. I just wrap it around the bar and stay put. Go offer the owner 30 bucks for me. He'll take it." The man walks out of the store with the parrot and takes him home. They become best of friends. They talk sports, politics, current events. The man could not be happier. One day the man gets home from works and the parrot beckons him over with his wing…"Psst…come here. I need to talk to you." "What?" "It's about your wife." "Yeah, what about her?" "And the postman. Today he knocked and she answered the door in a skimpy black negligee." "What!" "Yes. And then they embraced in a long passionate kiss," the parrot went on. "Holy shit…that can't be possible." "It is. Then they went over to the couch and she slipped him out of his uniform and then things started to get really steamy." "Well," the man asks,"what happened next?" "I don't know," said the parrot. "I got a hard on and fell off my perch."