My new welcome mat is made of hemp
It’s a gateway rug
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks for your wifi password you can say 12345678
My wife just left me because I’m too insecure…
Never mind. She just came back. She went to get a cup of coffee.
Billy’s mom comes home. “Billy, what’s wrong?” -“Dad hanged himself in the attic!” he said in tears.
The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son. As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling. HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"
I have sex daily
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
The US is to surpass China and Italy in the coming week for most COVID-19 cases in the world
https://ift.tt/2UFKRq3
Duck fart
My daughter just looked at me funny when I farted next to her on the couch. She said it sounded like a duck. I replied with "Obviously, it came from my buttquack."
My wife said to me she doesn’t understand cloning.
I said that makes 2 of us.
Why are gay people always laughing
Because they can't keep a straight face
How do you murder mass?
You killagram
All countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat…
Very few people know about the first ever female vegan
Nobody has heard of herbivore
A man is away on vacation and phones his brother to see how things are at home.
-Hi Gary, how's everything going? -Oh, not so good. To start your cat died and… -Hold on a sec, Gary. You don't ruin someone's vacation and give bad news just like that. You have to be subtle. You could've just said "Oh, the cat's up on the roof right now" or something, so I don't get upset and ruin my holiday. -Sorry, I never heard that before. -Well, that's ok, I guess you just didn't know. How's Dad doing? -Ahh, he's up on the roof right now.
Why did the English teacher break up with the physics teacher?
There was no chemistry
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.
As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision." Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face. On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. Only thing worse is that disgusting excuse for a shirt you're wearing." Startled, the man rushes into the bathroom to freshen up, then returns to his seat at the bar. As the bartender brings back his beer, the man says to him, "I think I'm going crazy here. I thought I had the peanuts heaping praise on me here and then the juke box ridiculing me on my way to the bathroom. Did I imagine that?" The bartender solemnly shook his head. "No, sir. My apologies. The peanuts are complimentary, but the juke box is out of order."
What’s the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data and the other is a hardware standard.
Breaking a leg during an audition…
Ensures that you end up in the cast…
I think I have bad posture
But it's just a hunch.
When does a bad joke become a dad joke
When you replace the b with a d
I just slipped on a banana skin.
I look ridiculous in it.
Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?
Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his tea before it was cool 😎
I BATH IN THE TEARS OF MY ENEMIES!
Because I let them cry on my shoulder.
[Long] They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Both very good friends of mine.
One day, Ving asks if I would do him a favour. I said, “Sure”. He asks me to drive him to the city hall after work. He says he wants to change his name to something more American. I agreed. So after work I'm driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and I see Ling is giving Ving the cold shoulder. Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is furious that he would disrespect his ancestry by changing it. So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a long time. Finally it's our turn and Ving tells me he has picked "Lee" as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about disrespecting their ancestry. Then it's time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can't do it. The lady at the desk says it’s ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash. Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors. "DAD!" Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried, "Don't stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!"
A man is staying in a hotel.
He walks up to the front desk and says, “Sorry, I forgot what room I’m in, can you help me?” The receptionist replies, “No problem, sir. This is the lobby.”
The local drug dealer in town started dressing as a Jehovah’s Witness so as not to arouse suspicion.
He was arrested when cops saw people actually letting him in.
What do you call a deaf man…
Whatever you want, he can’t hear you.
I watched a documentary on frogs the other day
It was ribbiting.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
How many redditors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one but it’s already been changed three times today.
Study tip: Don’t drink water while studying
Because water decreases concentration.
Where does King T’Challa live?
In a Wacondo. My son and I just came up with that joke, driving past Disneyworld.
I met a guy from Australia who works in IT.
I said, "Do you come from a LAN down under?"