My New Years resolution is to lose weight.
So I'm off to the paint store since everyone seems to get thinner here.
When you replace the b with a d
When a short person waves at you, it's called a microwave
A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.
Land in it when they're not looking
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you…can't wait to see you…we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote… "I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
There was a girl who went to sunday school and always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked and pointed at the sleeping girl, "Who made the world?" The boy behind her poked her with a pencil. She woke up and yelled GOD! "Thats correct!" The teacher said. The girl fell asleep again. The teacher asked, "Who died on the cross?" The boy poked the girl again and she yelled JESUS! "Thats correct!!" The teacher said again. The girl fell asleep again. After a while, the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when they had their 99th child?" The boy poked the girl again. The girl stood up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF!!!!"
it's not hard.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned." [Leviticus 20:13 esv]
Because the have got more degrees ! ( Read this one in an old book ! )
It was a brief case.
Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed! Edit: Thank you everyone for the awards!
It came completely out of the purple…
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 6 Step 10 Step 15 Step 19 Step 23 Step 35
I named the second one Repeat.
A bad joke timing
Because I only have one response and it's "boogie oogie oogie".
Because his mom and dad were in a jam
Who the fuck does that.
Ba Dum Tss
He never slept on the train with his mouth open again… -Martin Mladenov
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
He said, “No, it kills them.”
Because sin90 = cot45.
A small medium at large.
Math posts make me feel number.
He said "Sorry man. The steaks are too high."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.” The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.” The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.” The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”