My obese parrot died the other day
I’m very sad but I gotta say it’s a big weight off my shoulders
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented candle.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!” The cop growls, “You ARE the lawyer!”
The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"
I named my overweight cat Kelvin
Because he is an absolute unit.
Why was the green melon happily married and the orange melon single for life
Green “hon I dew” Orange “Can’t-elope….”
It’s possibly not safe to drive my car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
What do you call a mouse that swears
A cursor
I am able to suck my period blood back into my vagina…
Allow me to demenstruate.
Why did Princess Peach choke?
Because Mario came down the wrong pipe.
We Germans might not be humorous but we will still make fun of that joke of a president
https://ift.tt/2o1O7Qg
I recently found out I was colorblind
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple 😀
I closed Reddit, locked my phone, and stood up.
I said to myself, “I’m done with this shit.”
Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
Why was the locomotive always hungry?
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing it’s food.
I like this because no matter which way you think is the right way to say it you are right
https://ift.tt/2zujMPY
There once was a young engineer,
who having worked for several years, decided that he and his family should have a weekend getaway place. He searched the surrounding country, and found a lovely spot with frontage on a small river. They built a cabin, and began spending time there every chance they got. The kids loved it, and friends came for the quiet and fishing. The engineer, however, wanted something unique for his cabin. He had been an award-winning pole vaulter in college. He therefore built a set of poles with a crosspiece, and a mulched run. He bought a new carbon fiber vaulting pole, new shoes, and was set. He would set off down the run, plant his pole, soar over the crosspiece, and land in the river with a satisfying splash. What a great way to spend a hot afternoon. He tried to teach a few friends to vault, with no success. He enjoyed his cabin for years, and went out early in the spring one year. It had been a very wet winter, lots of rain afterward. When the family arrived, the river was up and flowing at a good clip, with twice the usual current flowing. The engineer was determined to enjoy a few vaults into the water, although his wife didn't think it was safe. But he was a good swimmer and proceeded to have a go at it. His run and jump were flawless, he hit the water in good form, but upon surfacing, he was swept downstream and disappeared. His body was found later that day, tangled in streamside debris. It was a sad end for the engineer and the family sold the cabin, with no desire to return to the scene of such tragedy. Our lamented engineer was a civil engineer. Had he consulted one of his electrical engineer brethren, he would have been warned that "It's not vaultage that kills you, it's the current!"
I for one like Roman numerals.
No text found
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…
A girl invited me to have sex on her Honda Civic
But i like to have sex on my own Accord
Despite what you think, earthquakes aren’t perfect
They all have their faults.
Why doesn’t Karl Marx like Earl Grey?
Because all proper tea is theft.
What has two butts and kills people
An assassin
Why aren’t porcupines allowed to become bartenders?
They always spike the drinks.
I taught my daughter what the word bargain meant…
She said, “Thanks dad, that means a great deal.”
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
No text found
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 60." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light." Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt." Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt." Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!" Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
I busted a nut
https://imgur.com/gallery/7muPMMy
An African woman called Betty came into the restaurant.
Asked if we had chicken? I replied, “no, black Betty It’s ham or lamb.”
I can sympathize with batteries.
I never get included in anything either.
